Progress?

Working hard to keep it a lapse and not a regression, and I think I'm succeeding? Debbie said that when life is so chaotic (and she added that I seem to attract chaos ), emotions don't get a chance to return to baseline, and when that happens, each new trigger, no matter how small, sends the emotional intensity up and up and up until it's too much, and that's when I dissociate or act destructively or whatever. So . . . my task for the week is to keep adding to my list of triggers, and to add anything that triggers me, even if it feels small or inconsequential.

She said we're going to do some exposure. Like, exposure to emotions. It seems like a good plan, I guess. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the way things are going at the moment, I'm just a bit funny mentally because I'm struggling with my urges and so forth. And sleep. I'm not sleeping very well.

Tupu Ake was both good and stressful this time around. I got my period, which is always interesting, but then there was a blocked toilet, and this morning when I got up I noticed a fair amount of blood on my sheets. Sigh. But hey, what can you do? They don't clean the room or the sheets until you're gone, and hopefully whoever cleans them will just . . . pretend they don't see what's there. Because. Yeah.

A good outcome of this, is I feel so embarrassed about the blood on the sheets, and the blocked toilet (even though that wasn't my fault, that toilet has had issues for ages), that I don't want to go back there for a long, long time.

I talked with a few people about how I'm feeling about my flatmate and her partner being here a lot. One of the people I talked to was Janet, who's an RN who works at Tupu Ake regularly, and she said that my well-being is important too, and if stuff with my flatmate is triggering me, even if I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable, I should bring it up. So this morning I went over it briefly with Debbie, and she said, yes, your flatmate's well-being is important, but your own well-being is equally important.

She came in to work briefly on Saturday because she'd forgotten to let probation know that I wouldn't be home for a bit on Friday. She said in the car that if they ask just to say I have a horrible key worker who forgot to let them know. I said that coming into work on a Saturday to cover my arse doesn't line up with my interpretation of horrible

Yeah. I mean things are still a lot rougher than I'd like them to be, but given recent events, I'm going to work a bit harder to be successful at home. And I'm going to ask about moving into my own place, once I've graduated Peer Employment Training.

Oh yeah, and that's going well! Bus stop guy didn't turn up this week, so I'm hoping he's dropped out. The training went really well, I mean it was tiring, and trying to concentrate for almost seven hours straight really does my head in - I finish the day with a concentration headache - but it feels so important to do this training. It feels right, it feels like a step towards the person I'm meant to be.

So that's my life right now.