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Jumping off the edge of the world.
Posted October 5th 2013 at 08:34 AM by i_like_black
Yesterday I ended having a slightly better day. I did do my dishes, and have a shower, and then I finally tried to contribute to an article - although right now I feel really anxious about that. The waves of stuff were less yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 3:00 AM. I woke up at 6:30 AM. I dozed lightly (mostly awake) until I got up just after 10:00 AM. I gave myself points for acting opposite, and extra points for it sort of working.
I feel like I'm paying for having a good day yesterday. The darkness came back in the middle of the afternoon, it hasn't left. I went for a walk. I bought food. I feel terrible that I bought food but at the same time kind of pleased because it means I have easy food to eat . . . at that, I think I've only eaten twice today? I'm not sure.
I decided to watch a movie I've been intending to watch for a while. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. It's sad, like me, but I guess that's okay - it was of nice to feel sad about something specific.
I just feel like jumping off the edge of the world might make things easier. Falling would feel like flying, only scarier. And death would be quick. I wish I hadn't been making progress before this, then giving up would be so much easier. I don't like to throw away progress. If I try to kill myself, it counts as self-harm. But when will this end? Will it end? I have doubts.
If it ends, how long until I am called to do battle again? How many more years must I fight for? How long does it take for monsters to devour the soul? I know I am wicked. I know I am evil. Beneath the pretence I am nothing but a callous, self-serving criminal. Sometimes I feel like maybe I can help people. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it for the right reasons. But then reality hits me again and I remember that ultimately, I am a creature of filth, who deserves nothing more than a painful death.
Living is a slow torture. It's like the guy says, in the novel Desperation - "God is cruel. Sometimes he makes us live." How much longer will I be forced to draw breath? Not a single attempt has been successful. People say there's a reason for that. I wish I could agree with them. To me, the only reason I am alive is because the powers that be want to continue to deny me release from this hell.
Head in my hands, I wish to rip out my heart.
I feel like I'm paying for having a good day yesterday. The darkness came back in the middle of the afternoon, it hasn't left. I went for a walk. I bought food. I feel terrible that I bought food but at the same time kind of pleased because it means I have easy food to eat . . . at that, I think I've only eaten twice today? I'm not sure.
I decided to watch a movie I've been intending to watch for a while. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. It's sad, like me, but I guess that's okay - it was of nice to feel sad about something specific.
I just feel like jumping off the edge of the world might make things easier. Falling would feel like flying, only scarier. And death would be quick. I wish I hadn't been making progress before this, then giving up would be so much easier. I don't like to throw away progress. If I try to kill myself, it counts as self-harm. But when will this end? Will it end? I have doubts.
If it ends, how long until I am called to do battle again? How many more years must I fight for? How long does it take for monsters to devour the soul? I know I am wicked. I know I am evil. Beneath the pretence I am nothing but a callous, self-serving criminal. Sometimes I feel like maybe I can help people. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it for the right reasons. But then reality hits me again and I remember that ultimately, I am a creature of filth, who deserves nothing more than a painful death.
Living is a slow torture. It's like the guy says, in the novel Desperation - "God is cruel. Sometimes he makes us live." How much longer will I be forced to draw breath? Not a single attempt has been successful. People say there's a reason for that. I wish I could agree with them. To me, the only reason I am alive is because the powers that be want to continue to deny me release from this hell.
Head in my hands, I wish to rip out my heart.
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Comments
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I think the even slightly better days mean something. Even if it's only slightly, it is still something important and something that will happen again, and when it does come again, it will be worth it. I think that you can help people and I don't think you're as bad of a person as you think you are. Having a hard time, yeah, but a bad person, no. And you do deserve the good times.
I may not be able to tell how you how much longer you have to keep fighting like this, I just do hope it's worth it for you. <3Posted October 6th 2013 at 02:11 AM by Ennui.
