Jumping off the edge of the world.

Yesterday I ended having a slightly better day. I did do my dishes, and have a shower, and then I finally tried to contribute to an article - although right now I feel really anxious about that. The waves of stuff were less yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 3:00 AM. I woke up at 6:30 AM. I dozed lightly (mostly awake) until I got up just after 10:00 AM. I gave myself points for acting opposite, and extra points for it sort of working.

I feel like I'm paying for having a good day yesterday. The darkness came back in the middle of the afternoon, it hasn't left. I went for a walk. I bought food. I feel terrible that I bought food but at the same time kind of pleased because it means I have easy food to eat . . . at that, I think I've only eaten twice today? I'm not sure.

I decided to watch a movie I've been intending to watch for a while. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. It's sad, like me, but I guess that's okay - it was of nice to feel sad about something specific.

I just feel like jumping off the edge of the world might make things easier. Falling would feel like flying, only scarier. And death would be quick. I wish I hadn't been making progress before this, then giving up would be so much easier. I don't like to throw away progress. If I try to kill myself, it counts as self-harm. But when will this end? Will it end? I have doubts.

If it ends, how long until I am called to do battle again? How many more years must I fight for? How long does it take for monsters to devour the soul? I know I am wicked. I know I am evil. Beneath the pretence I am nothing but a callous, self-serving criminal. Sometimes I feel like maybe I can help people. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it for the right reasons. But then reality hits me again and I remember that ultimately, I am a creature of filth, who deserves nothing more than a painful death.

Living is a slow torture. It's like the guy says, in the novel Desperation - "God is cruel. Sometimes he makes us live." How much longer will I be forced to draw breath? Not a single attempt has been successful. People say there's a reason for that. I wish I could agree with them. To me, the only reason I am alive is because the powers that be want to continue to deny me release from this hell.

Head in my hands, I wish to rip out my heart.