Uhm.

It's Friday. The last time I showered was on Monday, after I went for a swim. I know I need a shower, my hair is all gross and greasy and to be honest, so is the rest of me. But I just . . . cannot be bothered showering. It's not that I don't like showering (I do), it's just that it seems like too much effort. And it's not that I think it wouldn't help me to feel a little bit better (it would), it's just that I don't seem to be able to will myself into the bathroom for anything that is not . . . an immediate need.

I haven't done my dishes for ages either. I feel bad for my flatmate. Her side of the bench is spotless. Mine has dishes on it. Some of them from nearly two weeks ago. I rinse everything with hot water after I've used it, so it could be worse, I just feel so slothful. These aren't difficult things to do. But I'm still not doing them.

It's unlikely that I'll do washing this weekend either. Mainly because I haven't really changed my clothes. There's a couple of pairs of socks and a pair of underwear in my wash pile at the moment. Not enough to merit doing a load. But what does it matter? I still have clean clothes if I need them.

I want to go swimming, but I don't have the motivation to organise my swimming stuff and then drive to the pool. I know exercise would help for a few hours, but knowing that, and actually doing it - even though I love swimming and water generally - are very different things.

I went to bed at 11:00 PM and then proceeded to spend more than 12 hours in bed. I wasn't sleeping the whole time (of course I wasn't, my sleep is disgusting), but I felt so awful that I could spend so long in bed doing nothing, when realistically when I'm not in bed, there are things to do.

I want to cut so badly, but I'm at 7 weeks self-harm free, and if I cut now, I'd just have to start again. I don't want to start again. The urges are very strong.

I haven't taken my iron or folic acid for the last 3 or 4 days. I'm planning to start taking it again with dinner tonight, because I get that it's important for me to take them. But along with everything else, I just - haven't felt like it.

This low is trying to kill me. I guess I should let it. Or, I would let it, but every time I try to kill myself I just end up alive. I'm seriously considering letting all the food in my house run out (which would take a while, being honest, the food I have could probably stretch 3 weeks to a month or more, because I buy random stuff for when I'm poor and can't afford groceries), and then just never buying food again. I'll starve to death. It'll be long and slow because with my amount of body fat, there's plenty of stored energy, but it'll still kill me. And then, when I die, at least I won't be fat. And then, when I die, I'll have money saved so my funeral doesn't put my family in debt, because I won't have spent money on food. And it's a bit more subtle than well, other methods.

I'm unenthused about everything but still trying.

On Monday I'm planning to find out about Peer Employment Training after my appointment with Debbie. And we're going to plant a flower in that cup AT my appointment.

I just can't see a way for it to be worth continuing. I can't even motivate myself to do more than sit at a laptop, which I know is unhealthy, and that's just sad.

I'm sad, too, but not normal sad. Depression sad. I am depressed.