Swiping through the darkness.

I feel so good and so bad. I wake up in the morning and I am overwhelmed at the mere thought of leaving my bed. But I have things to do in the morning. So I get up. And it feels so hopeless and so hollow, even though it's not, even though it's leading to something. And the heaviness in my chest won't go, it keeps coming back. It eclipses all.

I saw Debbie yesterday and it was good. I told her about how I've decided to do the Peer Employment Training with the goal of becoming a Peer Support Specialist, and she said she was really excited about it. I told her about all the stuff in my head and I don't remember what she said, but we talked about other stuff too, and that . . . well it helped I guess. She asked if I'd been swimming, because I love swimming, and I said I hadn't, but following our session I did go swimming, because it sounded like a good idea. I swam 12 lengths and it took me about an hour. Swimming is slow when you suck and are out of practise. After that I sat in the spa for a bit. So all in all, not bad.

I get brief breaks from it but they're never enough, it keeps coming back, crashing right over the top of me.

I saw my GP today. On the bright side, the only issues with my neck are muscular. That's good because although it's more frustrating to fix, it's easier than needing surgery or anything like that. He said that the pain might be endometriosis but it also might not be. I got told to see him again in 6 weeks. He prescribed some stronger pain killers because the ponstan did sweet fuck all. I'm glad he's prescribing pain killers. I can either use them . . . or save them.

Most of me wants to save them. Pop, pop, pop, swallow the pills, end all the ills.

I haven't done my DBT homework. It's mindfulness stuff so I guess I can bullshit my way through it, but I still feel bad for having not done it. I've got 22 hours in which I can do it, at this point, but I'm doubting that I will.

I hate it when I don't do what I'm supposed to.

I hate all the darkness that cannot be penetrated by light.

I hate it that Debbie told me that there are lots of people who have to work at staying well and when they don't do the work they get unwell again. I hate that it's a true thing and I hate that it's not fair, we should get unwell once, do the right things, and then get better.

This time when I said it wasn't fair she didn't argue against it or say any of the usual stuff about how life's not meant to be fair blah blah blah. Maybe it's the mood I'm in, maybe she knows I know that fairness is not a given.

I don't know.

Please make it stop.