Forensic Mental Health Report.

Yup, I did that today. Although prior to that, I woke up, went to the dairy, and had the second of my three blood tests done.

Oh, I also planned to watch the second America's Cup race today, as I was getting blood drawn when the first one was happening, but it turns out Oracle are pussies so the next races won't be until Friday my time. We're 4 points up at any rate, so almost half way to winning the thing.

A car pulled up at 9:30am, as I had expected, but then I had a look and it wasn't Flo driving. Initially I had planned to drive myself, but after my neighbour's seizure on Monday and the aftermath of that, we discussed that having somebody to support me might be a good thing, and Flo was going to be driving. But then . . . in the driver's seat . . . was Debbie! It was an unexpected but not unpleasant twist. Turns out that Peter (who works with Flo, they do a team thing) is sick, so Flo is catching up with all his clients, and I rolled double sixes and got Debbie.

So we drove to the Mason Clinic. Traffic was weirdly light so we were early, which works for me because I hate being late, I get ridiculously anxious about it and avoid it at all costs.

The doctor (Vesna Rosic, I have no idea if I spelled her first name correctly or not) was friendly and easy to talk to. Given that this was psychiatry directed specifically at my offending it was not so gnarly. There were a few questions that seemed off-kilter, about my family situation growing up and that sort of thing, but in general it went okay. She did explain, however, that in order for the judge to be comfortable with a community-based sentence (which is what we're all hoping for), that there needs to be a safety net of sorts. The safety net she is suggesting is the use of the mental health act. I'm not happy about it, but if it means I get to keep my cat then okay. I'm not currently sectioned, in fact it's been over a year since the last time I was sectioned and it would feel like a massive step backwards.

The doctor also explained that if I were to be caught lighting fires again, it would basically be a one-way trip to prison. Apparently the NZ legal system doesn't have much patience for arsonists - although I do not classify myself as such, apparently legally that is what I am. Which is conflicting for me, because for me, I was doing something that felt right, just perhaps in the wrong locale. She further explained that it's due to the discrepancy in my understanding of my actions and the law's understanding that makes that safety net vital.

She talked to Debbie for a bit at the end, and that was kind of surreal - because Debbie was asking questions about things like, what about what's in the best interests sort of thing, and the doctor explained that the legal/court/police system is more interested in keeping everybody safe, so even if the mental health act isn't generally seen as being in my best interests, it sort of would be, because if I get caught again then it's prison, and in prison there's no DBT, no Debbie, no future pretty much. She continued on this vein for a while and I was watching her talk (because hey let's be honest, it was my future she was discussing), but she was looking back and forth between myself and Debbie and at one point she said to Debbie, "Sorry for tears, I'm not trying to upset you" and something else but I don't remember. Because my mind

well

you see the thing is, this is not the first time I have been in the same room as Debbie when I have suspected she is crying, although the other time I thought it would be rude to point it out, and also this time I only glanced at her briefly because - well - I didn't want to feel like I was intruding or anything, if that makes sense.

It means such a huge amount to me though. It means that she cares, and to be crying at the prospect of me losing access to things that could help - this isn't even her life, I'm just a client - she must care so very deeply. I love her for that. There are good psychologists, a great number of them, well trained, who achieve therapy goals and help people into more meaningful lives. But I think a psychologist like Debbie, who cares enough to not only accompany me to the appointment, talk to this doctor a bit, and fight for me, but enough that she would - I feel arrogant saying this in case I am wrong - but enough that she would cry for me? I think that is something that is not once in a life-time, it is less. People who do their jobs as well as her, who are as genuine as her, are rare. Although right now I'm having difficulty articulating what I'm really trying to say. When I figure it out, I'll get back to you.

Afterwards I had a smoke (because it was stressful, nearly two hours of being with a stranger and the last half-hour-ish with Debbie and the doctor discussing things), and then she drove me home. The drive home was kind of funny, because initially we were talking about doing pros and cons for lighting fires whilst the need is not immediate. Then we talked about other stuff for a while, and got on to the topic of informed choices. (That's what I like about going for drives with people, conversation can happen, or silence can happen, and it's all okay - it's comfortable.) But people don't label conversations as they're having them, and in the middle of this particular conversation she said "it's called making informed decisions. And that is why you should do a pros and cons list!"

I laughed and gave her a thumbs up. Points for being a therapist! And also for having a sense of humour.

So depending on the judge, we're still angling for a community-based sentence, but the mental health act may be used.

An interesting point to note with that though, is all they can really do is put me in hospital, because Debbie said Jan (Jan Beydals, my doctor since Jens left - I miss Jens), doesn't think (I can't remember if she said think or believe) that I have bipolar. I figure it means he doesn't think there's a mood disorder component. But anyway as a basis of that, even if I DID get sectioned, I still wouldn't be forced to take medication. What a crazy world we live in.

(For the record, those that know me well strongly believe there is a mood disorder component. Jens changed my diagnosis to mood disorder due to a general medical condition, which I happen to agree with. Late last year, Judy started using the word "bipolar" and Debbie often uses it too. But I've always had an issue with Beydals. I figure eventually I'll get out of this world manic or something, and then he'll have to see what's in front of him.)

I had Wendy's for lunch - and ended up feeling ridiculously full - then got my groceries. I chilled at home for a bit, then went to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my meds. Got home, drew for about an hour and a half, cooked dinner, showered, blah blah blah.

And now it's bed time.

Oh and also, in two days, I will be four weeks self-harm free!