Things.

Today marks FOUR WEEKS self-harm free.

I will have to set a new goal. I kind of don't want to do another four weeks, because that feels like achieving the same thing twice, so I'm thinking maybe 6 weeks? I'm not sure, but I'll be discussing it with Debbie at some point.

Last night I got drunk. Why?, you might ask. Well, I was going through some stuff in my cupboard, and I happened to find a letter that was a formal caution from gymnastics a couple of years ago. I'd actually forgotten how very close I came to getting fired from that job, and reading through it again was a massive slap in the face. All the associated memories were incredibly painful, and I just had this massive wave of crushing hopelessness. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to distract myself from the awful way it made me feel. So loud music, tumblr's funny tag, and alcohol. I drank most of my bottle of rum, mixed with coke, and I have to admit, I was pretty sloshed. But I was laughing at things, and then when I went to bed, I slept.

I've thrown out the letter. It's no longer relevant, and I don't need to find that sort of negativity when I'm just casually browsing through my stuff.

On a more positive note, Owen rang this morning, and I have work next week! I've texted Debbie and asked if we can move our Monday appointment, as I'm choosing to go and earn money instead. She hasn't replied yet but I think the mostly likely thing to happen is that I'll tell Owen I can't work Wednesday (he'll be okay with that), and I'll see her either before or after the DBT group. I missed DBT this Wednesday due to the forensic mental health report, but I don't want to miss it again really.

I'm very full of conflicted feelings. I mean, I feel bad for asking that we move our appointment, because I value the time I have with Debbie, but I'm also really excited about working, and it's come at exactly the right time. Reading through that letter, I wonder if I'll ever be able to maintain my wellness enough to be able to work with people. But that's what I want to do. It's scary. I feel positive about how things are going, but it's mixed with waves of hopelessness and "what-ifs". Things are going well, perhaps I can maintain that, but how long for? Will I be able to achieve things that matter to me? How long will I be able to go without relapse? WILL I relapse? It's - it's unpredictable. And I'm judging schools in a couple of weeks, which I really want to do. I love gymnastics, I'd love to go back, but realistically - I think it's better for everybody if I'm less involved.

I'm very confused right now. It's the juxtaposition of things going well and my thoughts and feelings not relating to how good things are.

Right now, I'm very scared.
Feeling good, feeling terrified, feeling positive, but hopeless about the future.

My poor brain.