Progress and such-like.

So I had stitches again, just over 3 weeks ago. A lot of other stuff happened too, although I don't remember precisely what, I do remember that I rang Debbie that Friday and we talked about how I'd said that I don't see self-harm as being beneficial for me long-term. Well, she said, what if we do a trial of not self-harming for a while? So that instead of being faced with stopping permanently all at once, I could attack it in more achievable amounts of time. We settled on a month. And so that there's an incentive, something to work for aside from just not self-harming - because it's so addictive - if I get to a month, then I get to go mountain biking! Wicked.

I'm almost at three weeks. This Thursday/Friday will be the three week mark. I'm actually quite proud of myself, although it's weird to watch my arms heal and not be adding to the mess. Usually the only reason I let it heal is so there's space for more. But . . . well . . . this is different, somehow. I'm gaining of sense of perhaps NOT needing this in my life.

And another thing. You know how everybody always says if you act opposite, or do different things, or just wait, the urge will pass? Well, I never believed them before, but about halfway through my second week of not self-harming, my desire and urge to do it started to go down. And in pretty drastic ways, too. We've gone from 9s and 10s, all the way down to 3s and 4s. So yeah, the urge is still there, but it's far less, it's more manageable.

We also briefly discussed yesterday where I would like to head and so forth, because the whole point of DBT is to "build a life worth living", and because for me at the moment, everything still feels really pointless because I don't really have any goals or anything to aim for. So it feels like I'm doing stuff just for the sake of doing it, I don't really have anything meaningful in my life at the moment. And I'd like something meaningful. Also, getting to where I want to go just seems so unachievable at the moment. It doesn't feel possible. But we're going to discuss that in more depth next week apparently.

My car will be up and running again tomorrow, and I'm boycotting public transport from then forwards. I want to keep my car in good running condition, and part of doing that is driving it on a regular basis. Which means I'll be starting to drive to my appointments and so forth. I've also decided that I'm joining the gym near me, because there's no minimum term, and because it works out cheaper to pay a weekly gym membership than it would to use the pool a few times a week - because the pool now costs. So I can drive there too, and exercise, because I like to exercise and I like gyms.

I had my pre-sentence report last Tuesday. The probation officer I talked to said that it seems to her that when I'm unwell it has a rather massive impact on how much I offend and how severely. She said she will recommend a sentence of community detention (which is basically an electronically monitored curfew), but it comes down to the judge's decision. I have my forensic mental health report next Wednesday, the 11th, so yeah. Sentencing date is October 22nd.

I sent in an application for some funding for some artwork also. Something called "Changing Minds" are going to do an exhibition, and I want my work to be a part of it, so I applied. Those selected will be notified by 7th October, so it's going to be quite a wait between submitting the application (which I did on Friday), and actually knowing if I've been selected to do a piece for it.

I'm sorry I haven't really been around much, for the last few weeks I simply could not be bothered writing a decent blog entry, but today I had time to kill because I'm going out with Mum and Leisa to look at fabric for my ninja blanket this afternoon, but it's currently still morning.

Oh yeah, myself and Debbie started to discuss the food issue. It's another thing we're going to come back to in time, because I understand nutrition etc., I just don't believe I deserve to eat. And then I get hungry and I eat too much, after barely eating for a few days. It's a vicious cycle and it needs addressing so we're going to address it. Eventually.

Love you all