Sterff.

I feel like I need somebody to say it's okay to get well. But it's also okay to be afraid of being well, because I don't know what that will be like. And I need someone to tell me that once I'm well, that it's okay for me to be afraid of becoming unwell. Afraid of losing everything. Because it wouldn't be the first time. How many times do you have to lose everything before your body finally calls it quits?

I need somebody to hold me. To say that it's okay that I'm anxious, and it's okay that I don't know if I'll be able to complete these things successfully. I need somebody to let me know that it's okay if sometimes I still need to cut. Or still feel the need to do risky stuff. I need someone who's been there, and come out the other side, so I can see what the other side is like.

I need to be told that it's okay to take medication, and it's okay that I can't function properly without it. I need people to understand that I have a medical illness that must be treated with medication - very few people who experience severe mood disorder symptoms can manage without some sort of intervention, be it medication or therapy.

Oh, and I need people to see that I'm engaging with a psychologist and with a DBT skills group, not purely because I have been unwell, but because when I get well, I want to give myself the best possible chance of staying well. But they need to know I'm scared, and that I think I'll fuck it up from time to time, and if that happens, what I really want is their support and hugs and their encouragement to keep going.

And I need people to recognise that actually saying any of this is INCREDIBLY hard, and that those people who support me, and who reach out with their arms as well as their words, will always mean more to me than those who sit across a table and ramble cliched nothings at me.

It's hard right now but it's not too hard.
The lithium is working great, now that we have it in combination with 100mg quetiapine. I feel like I'm sleeping far too much, but I've been told I'm more pleasant with more sleep.

We worked on my Crisis Response Plan today. As a part of that, I found out what my diagnosis is. It's Mood Disorder due to a general medical condition. We've left borderline traits and executive functioning difficulties on the plan for now. Executive functioning difficulties isn't really a mental health diagnosis but it does affect how I interact with people so yeah.

DBT starts on Wednesday morning.