Everything.

It's all so . . . undecided.
The med run starts tonight. 800mg lithium.
I will be home for it.
Judy told me it will start tonight. I saw her yesterday, she was dropping off some PRN quetiapine. I have 600mg, in 100mg doses. I should take it at some point, I guess, but nobody has told me I have to.

All week I have wanted Leisa. All week. She rang me on Tuesday a couple of times but that was hard for me, because she wanted me to cook and eat, and I didn't want to, and I ended up lying to her about what I ate anyway.

I didn't hear from her on Wednesday, but she told me she actually had Wednesday off - had to go to the dentist and the optometrist and a whole bunch of other stuff - so I saw her on Thursday morning on the way to art group. She asked if I cut and I nodded and she started to ask why and then stopped, saying she didn't really need to ask.

Then Karen (I think her name is Karen?), one of the OTs who runs art group, took me back to Lambie Dr because Leisa was busy, but she got there in time for my appointment with Jens. Jens described my current drawing as "morbid", and I suppose he's right. He agreed to put me on lithium. We decided to keep using the quetiapine as PRN. Leisa said it was a good outcome. I agreed.

She gave me her keys to go sit in her car whilst she got some stuff from upstairs.

She trusted me with her car keys.
She trusted me with her CAR KEYS.

She didn't even treat it like she was taking a risk. Just, "here's the keys, go sit in the car while I get my bag and stuff from upstairs."
Compared to my mother, who took the keys for her car with them to Rotorua last weekend, even though they travelled in my brother's car.

I am not sure how to feel about all of that.

So then Leisa dropped me off home and that was that.

Friday I had WRAP graduation in the morning, which I attended, and now I have a shiny certificate to put on my wall. Leisa drove me from the graduation to boxing, and that was the last I saw of her. She organised Margaret to drop me home, said she'd call me later. She didn't. Judy did though, to ask about my quetiapine situation. And then Judy came over and dropped some off.

Judy said she's been keeping her ear to the ground and that she's proud of me. I don't get it. Why would she be proud of me? The world makes no sense.

And I didn't hear from Leisa. Maybe it looks to you guys reading this like I saw her quite a bit, but I actually didn't, I spent maybe all up an hour in her company this week, and this week I have needed her but I haven't been able to say so because I know how busy she is with other stuff and yeah.

So last night I smoked the rest of my weed (sadface, that now I only have the synthetic stuff, and in all honesty the synthetic stuff is just not as nice as marijuana, it tastes harsher, and it feels different. I like being stoned.), then I went for a walk, and stood on Oram's road and smoked some of the synthetic stuff, and had a really bad moment when Keri drove up behind me and honked, I was listening to music, I turned around and didn't really catch what she said, someone behind her honked, I think I told her I'd see her later, and I walked away. It wasn't until afterwards that I realised she was probably worried because I was standing on a motorway overbridge. But I left there and went and sat in a bus stop for a while, then I walked home.

I can vaguely remember everything I did, there's no blank spots, it just feels like the whole thing was a dream.

It's colder. I think the weather has finally realised that it's no longer summer. I may have to add a blanked to my bed. And Linny has taken to sleeping in my washing basket, on top of my clean washing.

I am not suicidal. That shit takes too much effort. I'm just so low. And I sort of want to cut, but that takes effort too. And I definitely want to get stoned, but no cannabis, so I'll settle for the synthetic stuff which just isn't the same.

And it's just after 11:00am yet I have not had either coffee or tobacco yet today, so I shall have to rectify that.