Coffee flavoured exhaustion.

I finished WRAP. I'll get a certificate at the beginning of April. Leisa's looking at PET (Peer Education Training) for me, with the intention of me eventually becoming a Peer Support Specialist. I'm proud to have actually completed something, even if it was only 8 two hour classes. It's something.

Last Monday or Tuesday (I don't remember which), my ex, Laura, sent me a message and a friend request on facebook. It really threw me. I have since blocked her, and discovered via a friend (whom she texted for some reason) that she is once again single. Every time she's single she tries to get back in contact with me, and it really bothers me. She was abusive and manipulative, and she's my ex and in my past for very good reasons. So naturally I find it a bit rough when she tries to contact me.

Wednesday Leisa took me to Maraetai. I think I've already mentioned that. I had a good time, although she's concerned about how I'm currently carrying blades around when I leave the house. (In my wallet and under my cellphone battery.) I haven't cut for a couple of weeks, actually, but having them there is somewhat comforting.

Thursday was rough. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something, I don't know, I just know I was anxious and agitated and panicky all freaking day, and somebody mentioned really severely triggering stuff in the class that day. I got home and cleaned the entire unit basically, and did everything, and Leisa came over to help me calm down. I had completely forgotten about quetiapine as PRN. Leisa said take a quetiapine, go and have a shower, and we'll see what we do next after that. So I took a 300mg, and had a shower, and then was still freaking way out of my mind. June came in and started talking to Leisa, Leisa said she had to go somewhere, would I like to come, so I said yes. We got in the car and Leisa said she had a feeling June wasn't going to leave. So we drove to a park, and sat there for a bit, but then some unsavoury people came past, so Leisa drove to a shady side road and we sat there just shooting the breeze. At some point the quetiapine kicked in and I started to drift. At one point Leisa said I seemed zoned out, so she drove me home. The zone-out was nice and floaty. I was still anxious and panicky but it felt . . . distant, unimportant, so I was able to relax. Then I slept, cooked dinner, and slept again.

Friday started off well. I had my appointment with Judy, and I'm meeting Debbie (the psychologist that I'm going to be seeing) this Friday at 2:30pm. Judy said that Jens is leaving on the 27th and after that there will probably be a new psychiatrist, and she's going to keep pushing the lithium and citalopram via the med run thing until they agree to it. As we all are agreed that this is a mood disorder and needs medicating to help me to manage it. Judy said that having the fresh start of a new psychiatrist will most likely be beneficial to me.

Then Friday evening happened. June had a friend over, which felt weird to me. Then they left. I decided to charge my iPod, as I knew the battery was nearly dead. I went to pick it up from where I had left it, and it was gone. I checked the nearby area, under the bed, in the drawers, and in the three other places I leave it. Completely gone. I started to feel really out of control. I texted Leisa and rang the Crisis Team (who are basically mental health line unless you can get through to the in person people). The lady was useless. I told her I needed help to confirm whether it was genuinely missing, or if I was overlooking something in my panic. Her only advice was "do a thorough search" - which I had already done. I'm very specific about where I leave my valuables. So I asked her to get the actual Crisis Team (who know me) to ring me back when they could. In the mean time I was texting Leisa who was somewhat helpful and advised I report the theft to the police. In between discovering it was gone and receiving that advice, I smashed a lot of crockery against the fence in frustration. Oh well.

So I reported it to the police and the lady on the phone was calm and nice and understanding. However today I received a letter saying that due to the lack of evidence they couldn't pursue the case further. Translation: the theft was not a big one, and NZ Police are lazy. A $255 iPod might not seem like a lot to most people, but it's the only item over $100 that I actually owned outright at that point, so it was a big loss for me. Luckily it wasn't anything sentimental.

Leisa said she would organise to get me out of the house until they could move June, so that I could feel safe. I feel so lucky, she took time out of her weekend to phone up and organise things for me. I spent Saturday morning with a couple of her co-workers, then was booked into a motel on Saturday afternoon. I stayed there three nights, during which I slept a lot, didn't eat a whole lot, and discovered coffee. I also kept up the PRN quetiapine. If I start to feel anxious I'm to take it to prevent it from getting to the stage it got to last Thursday.

So anyway. It had been a couple of years since the last time I tried coffee, and I wondered, since I have smoked pretty much constantly since December 2011, if I would now find the taste bearable. So I made a coffee.

It was pretty tasty.
So today when I went to the supermarket, I bought a jar of Moccona French Style coffee, and I had a coffee when I got home. It was nom.
So my tastebuds have now dropped off to the point that I enjoy coffee. I'm two months shy of 25, so it's taken a while.

I'm so tired. Almost constantly. Just tired, all the time, and I feel exhausted, and nothing I do changes that. Not caffeine, not appropriate food, not sleep, nothing. I'm just tired, constantly.

So yeah. Coffee flavoured exhaustion.