Mixed states and licenses.

So as you know, my feet are very sore. But I still went to my appointment, and my key worker gave me a ride to the bus stop so I didn't have to walk back there to get home. She said keep an eye on it because oyster cuts can get infected quite easily, but I already knew this and I already plan to watch how it heals carefully.

We had our appointment. I used the whiteboard to explain how things are going on right now. She's going to organise for me to meet with Debbie (the psychologist), and Leisa is going to be there with me until I get to know Debbie. She said it's good that I've got to the point where I feel like I can take these steps.

I told her about how last night I learned that I have a family history of bipolar. So now, in passing, both her and my doctor have referred to it is bipolar. Simplifies things, I guess now when I talk to people I can just say "I have Bipolar I". We talked about my mood. Both her and my doctor (Jens) feel that I am elevated at the moment. Jens said, "although we would refer to this as hypomania, not mania". I said we would have to agree to disagree on that one and explained a bit more about the ambivalence and the lack of motivation. His response? "So we are looking at more of a mixed state then, but with more elevation than depression at the moment."

They would both like me to take the quetiapine as PRN to help me sleep. I really don't want to. I explained about how when I was on it I was still getting low. Jens said obviously to stop you from getting high but still get low is not the objective. They are looking at putting me on lithium by itself. Citalopram may or may not be involved as I have had strong reactions at relatively low doses. Sad for me, but erring on the side of caution for them.

I'm very, very tired. I keep laughing at stuff. I feel good, I feel exhausted.

Jens is concerned that if I remain elevated for an extended period that it could be risky. But he said the responsibility is with me, to make the sensible decisions and take the medication. Urgh. I don't know. I thought I was just feeling normal and my day was going okay until everybody's like "you're elevated" blah blah blah. Way to kill my buzz, guys.

There is a letter ready to be sent off for me to get my license back! We just have to figure out where exactly we need to send it, and what will happen from there. Jens seemed very hesitant during our appointment today, and asked me lots of questions about how I drive and how I would drive feeling this way and if I feel safe and so on. I know he was doing a risk assessment and I just gave him the answers I thought would most likely lead to me STILL getting my license back. So far, so good. It's been so long, I don't want to risk having it taken away for even longer.

So yeah. Things are much improved from last Friday, but apparently I'm a hypomanic/mixed state, which makes me wonder if the feeling more hopeful is a real thing or if it's just my mood disorder. I was actually discussing something with Judy today and she said "but the bipolar gets in the way?" And I was like, YES. It was good that somebody else could see that this THING really does get in the way. A lot.

I honestly am so sick of not knowing which way is up. Jens asked about how I am when I am in a normal mental state, and I told him I didn't remember what that was like, and he said more neutral, but I haven't had a period of mostly neutral emotions lasting longer than a month or two in . . . at least ten years. *sigh*

I want off this ride. I want . . . I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be told that when I'm having a good day that I'm elevated. I don't want my stubbornness to impact my wellness, which apparently it's doing at the moment.

It's just so messy and things are right and things are wrong and I just want someone to curl up next to me and stroke my hair and say it'll be okay, even if it isn't now.