When things break down?

I started the WRAP course today. WRAP is Wellness and Recovery Action Plan. It goes for eight sessions of two hours, which I'll be doing in approximately a fortnight, but there are options for people to do it over a longer period too - like, eight weeks. Leisa gave me money to put on my bus card which is about $10 more than I will need to attend the sessions, so my bus card is sorted for the next little while.

I've had a flick through the WRAP booklet. Part of it is scaring me. It has a section about when things start to break down, when you start experiencing symptoms, when things go beyond that point, and when you're in crisis and just reading through it . . . according to their measuring stick, I'm currently in a crisis situation. Go me. But there's also things like, stuff to do which will help and etcetera. I'll write more about it as I do the course.

Leisa was unable to come this afternoon but she said she'll see me tomorrow. She rang me and we chatted for about 10 minutes. She asked if I was okay a couple of times so I guess I didn't sound okay on the phone. She asked if I was still tired and I said yes. She suggested a shower and clean sheets, which lead to a discussion about how I haven't been showering. She said if I didn't shower she would either stand over me until I did (which I know she will do, she hung around until Sam had a shower once), or shove me in the ocean tomorrow. Her comment was, "either way we'll get your arse clean". Yup, that's Leisa. So with that comment fresh in my mind, I stripped my bed, loaded the washing machine, and had a shower.

I felt awful. I felt absolutely terrible about being in the shower, I felt horrible about washing myself, I felt sad, I felt destroyed, I felt like I was being too slow but not efficient enough at the same time, I felt like it was too much effort. It was a very unpleasant experience. Worst. Shower. Ever.

And then I finished loading the machine, and put clean sheets on my bed, and laid down and felt terrible about how bad everything is and how I'm not coping in such a huge way that normal things like eating and showering are just these insurmountable things I have to try and get over and I just . . . can't.

And then I hung out my washing and took my mind off life by watching TV, and now I'm here, writing about my day.

I feel horrendous. I constantly want to SH, I still obsess about suicide (although I have plans I no longer have a timeframe so don't worry), everything feels incredibly hard, and just getting out of bed is an effort. I barely participated in the WRAP class but it really took a lot out of me, even just being there.

How is it that I am so unwell? It's not meant to be this way.

I'm going to go. And, well, talk myself to sleep, because I'm still unable cry. Maybe tomorrow, huh?