Today. (Oh, christ.)

Oh boy.

So Leisa came over almost literally exactly when I decided to make toast. Which was about 11:00am. I'd got hungry (woo!) and I didn't feel like cooking properly, so I decided to have toast. And the first thing we did was go through the list of rules I'd made, which Leisa thought were all fine and normal and are stuff that should be expected of people anyway, to which I had an internal sigh of relief.

I start the WRAP thing tomorrow, she's going to give me money to put on my bus card so I can get there, which feels weird because for me well - I just feel weird when I get given stuff, for whatever reason.

We were sitting outside. Well, I was sitting, she was pulling out the now-dead tomato plants as well as discussing bits and pieces with me (we're probably going to grow cauliflower and broccoli next), and she was saying that maybe we should go to the water and I can just talk to the water (but she would hear it too) and if I needed to feel anything I just could and it would be okay because nobody would know, it would just be me and her and the water and the sky, and she was asking questions about stuff related to when Tim got sick, and about how I felt and stuff, and if there's anything from that which still impacts on me, and I said it was nothing to do with Tim having cancer and I . . . I closed up, you know when your body instinctively makes a smaller shape so you can protect yourself? Yeah, that happened.

So she knew she'd hit something potentially big.

And she pushed. Not overly hard (she's good like that), but she pushed a little, so I told her I had an e-mail that I'd written to someone which I could copy & paste into a word processor so she could read it without knowing which site I use. (Don't want my team to know about TH.)

So I showed her. She read it whilst I sat on my bed freaking the fuck out being absolutely terrified that I was going to be either judged or have my suspicions that it's not a big thing confirmed.

She turns around and looks at me and says, "Jess, this is HUGE."

I think part of the inside of me broke right there and then. Just having someone read it, and accept it, and tell me that it's actually a big thing. Is like, oh, my fuck. It's very very scary and it's like a big part of me just breathed a sigh of relief as well.

So she talked to me. And she asked if she could have a copy of what I'd written. She knew I wasn't comfortable with that. She promised that it would never, ever go on my file. Ever. So I sent her the document as an attachment. But not until I'd been for a walk and come back.

And.
And I.
And I got a hug.

As in, when Leisa was going I said I was going to go and lay down and wait for my cat to hug me. And she said she could imagine I could probably do with a big hug right then, but that she wouldn't because I might not be okay with that. And I said, that would be okay, and she asked if I would like a hug, and I said yes please.

And. And hug.
And I have not been hugged like that in such a very, very long time, in fact, I don't remember that last time I was hugged like that, like not just a hug that says hello or a family hug, but a hug that is like . . . I care and it's okay and I won't hurt you. A hug that is like, it's okay if you stay in this hug for longer than the standard 3 seconds, you won't be judged.
A hug that made me feel like maybe stuff is hard and maybe the stuff in my head isn't right and maybe there's stuff I'm holding onto, but that it will be okay. A hug that says I'm not alone.

Best hug in the last couple of years, easily.

And that was today.
Tomorrow I have WRAP, and we're going to go down to the water again.
Seriously guys I just feel like, oh christ. That's how I feel.