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Many things. (Triggering?)
Posted March 7th 2013 at 03:49 AM by i_like_black
Might be triggering for those with EDs.
So today was the second day of the WRAP course. We went through the five key concepts (which I don't remember off the top of my head), and started looking at a "Wellness Toolbox". Our task for the weekend (because the next class isn't until Monday) is to work on things we can put in our toolboxes. So far I've got petting Linny and playing an instrument in mine, but I do plan to add more - if I'm going to do this course, I'm going to make it worth my while.
Then I caught a bus home and figured I'd have a nap, I had a feeling Leisa wouldn't be able to get to me until later this afternoon. Wrong. She was here around 1:30pm, but that was okay. We went down to the water . . . aaaaand *dun duuun* *insert ominous music* the tide was out! Now, living in New Zealand, more specifically, in my part of Auckland, when the tide is out, more often than not this means there are mud flats, as opposed to proper sand. So myself and Leisa, in all our wisdom, decided to walk out to the water anyway. It was maybe 250 - 400m, maybe less, I'm not sure, it felt like a long way, but as we walked closer to the water, the mud got DEEPER! The result of this is that Leisa got mud to halfway up her shins (she's lighter than me, so although she's shorter she didn't sink as far), and I ended up with mud just past my knees. Then when we actually got to the water, I fell over! Luckily it wasn't deep so the stuff in my pockets didn't get ruined (I passed it to Leisa to put in her handbag at this point), and we were laughing and cursing like fools, and then when we turned around to come back, I fell over again.
So we stood in the water, and I didn't come up with anything big to say because I was paranoid about crabs, and then Leisa realised we were both bleeding and went off on a thing about how sharks have been spotted in the Manukau Harbour, and despite the fact that we were only in the water up to our shins, she basically went nope, fuck it, not risking a shark attack, and we started back towards the steps where we started. It took us a while to get back and she got there before me (she also got to the water before me), again with both of us cursing and laughing like fools.
Once I got to relatively firm land again, I . . . I talked. I told her about what happened in the park, and what happened with my ex and Matt, and we talked through things and I feel . . . I feel like I can talk about this stuff now.
We discussed about medication and stuff, and tomorrow I have to tell them that I am okay with medication to help the moods but I feel I need help to get on it and stay on it, and that I should do DBT because some of the skills in it will help me keep this in perspective, even though I don't have a BPD diagnosis any more.
We talked about all sorts. Like weight and nutrition and exercise, and how I feel about myself, and just . . . just lots. And it wasn't bad and it wasn't scary and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
Then we came back to my place and rinsed our feet under the hose. Oh yeah, because both of our feet have been basically destroyed by the oyster shells that were hiding in the mud flats. My feet are in a world of pain so I imagine that Leisa's feet feel much the same way.
She said that because we did something physical today that I have to eat a proper dinner. She said toast doesn't count unless it has eggs or something with it. Noodles don't count and in her ideal world they wouldn't be sold. She said I need to just make myself a healthy dinner. And I said I don't want to. Being completely honest, I am not that hungry, I don't want to put the effort in, I'm still losing weight at a noticeable rate and I am absolutely petrified that if I start eating properly now, in the beginning stages, that I'm just going to put the weight straight back on. And I know that's not a healthy attitude towards food, but right now . . . right now I need to lose the weight to feel good about myself, and putting it back on (because I am genuinely overweight, I can't post numbers or anything on here but even from a clinical perspective I am very overweight) frightens me. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.
I might have egg sandwiches. Or I might just have a snack, and lie, and say I had egg sandwiches. It's not like they can check.
In the mean time I'm still incredibly tired. I did everything yesterday, shower, washing, etc, and I still only got about 4 hours sleep. So I'm still tired. I still feel low but with Leisa's help it's improving because right now I can look at it and say, ok, well there's another side to this that I haven't seen yet.
She said it's okay that the hard work I'm going to need to do is scary. Actually she says a lot that makes this feel like maybe it doesn't have to be everything; like maybe it can genuinely be something I can live with and cope with and still have good quality of life with.
Grateful, I am. In pain, my feet are. And that . . . was today.
So today was the second day of the WRAP course. We went through the five key concepts (which I don't remember off the top of my head), and started looking at a "Wellness Toolbox". Our task for the weekend (because the next class isn't until Monday) is to work on things we can put in our toolboxes. So far I've got petting Linny and playing an instrument in mine, but I do plan to add more - if I'm going to do this course, I'm going to make it worth my while.
Then I caught a bus home and figured I'd have a nap, I had a feeling Leisa wouldn't be able to get to me until later this afternoon. Wrong. She was here around 1:30pm, but that was okay. We went down to the water . . . aaaaand *dun duuun* *insert ominous music* the tide was out! Now, living in New Zealand, more specifically, in my part of Auckland, when the tide is out, more often than not this means there are mud flats, as opposed to proper sand. So myself and Leisa, in all our wisdom, decided to walk out to the water anyway. It was maybe 250 - 400m, maybe less, I'm not sure, it felt like a long way, but as we walked closer to the water, the mud got DEEPER! The result of this is that Leisa got mud to halfway up her shins (she's lighter than me, so although she's shorter she didn't sink as far), and I ended up with mud just past my knees. Then when we actually got to the water, I fell over! Luckily it wasn't deep so the stuff in my pockets didn't get ruined (I passed it to Leisa to put in her handbag at this point), and we were laughing and cursing like fools, and then when we turned around to come back, I fell over again.
So we stood in the water, and I didn't come up with anything big to say because I was paranoid about crabs, and then Leisa realised we were both bleeding and went off on a thing about how sharks have been spotted in the Manukau Harbour, and despite the fact that we were only in the water up to our shins, she basically went nope, fuck it, not risking a shark attack, and we started back towards the steps where we started. It took us a while to get back and she got there before me (she also got to the water before me), again with both of us cursing and laughing like fools.
Once I got to relatively firm land again, I . . . I talked. I told her about what happened in the park, and what happened with my ex and Matt, and we talked through things and I feel . . . I feel like I can talk about this stuff now.
We discussed about medication and stuff, and tomorrow I have to tell them that I am okay with medication to help the moods but I feel I need help to get on it and stay on it, and that I should do DBT because some of the skills in it will help me keep this in perspective, even though I don't have a BPD diagnosis any more.
We talked about all sorts. Like weight and nutrition and exercise, and how I feel about myself, and just . . . just lots. And it wasn't bad and it wasn't scary and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
Then we came back to my place and rinsed our feet under the hose. Oh yeah, because both of our feet have been basically destroyed by the oyster shells that were hiding in the mud flats. My feet are in a world of pain so I imagine that Leisa's feet feel much the same way.
She said that because we did something physical today that I have to eat a proper dinner. She said toast doesn't count unless it has eggs or something with it. Noodles don't count and in her ideal world they wouldn't be sold. She said I need to just make myself a healthy dinner. And I said I don't want to. Being completely honest, I am not that hungry, I don't want to put the effort in, I'm still losing weight at a noticeable rate and I am absolutely petrified that if I start eating properly now, in the beginning stages, that I'm just going to put the weight straight back on. And I know that's not a healthy attitude towards food, but right now . . . right now I need to lose the weight to feel good about myself, and putting it back on (because I am genuinely overweight, I can't post numbers or anything on here but even from a clinical perspective I am very overweight) frightens me. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.
I might have egg sandwiches. Or I might just have a snack, and lie, and say I had egg sandwiches. It's not like they can check.
In the mean time I'm still incredibly tired. I did everything yesterday, shower, washing, etc, and I still only got about 4 hours sleep. So I'm still tired. I still feel low but with Leisa's help it's improving because right now I can look at it and say, ok, well there's another side to this that I haven't seen yet.
She said it's okay that the hard work I'm going to need to do is scary. Actually she says a lot that makes this feel like maybe it doesn't have to be everything; like maybe it can genuinely be something I can live with and cope with and still have good quality of life with.
Grateful, I am. In pain, my feet are. And that . . . was today.
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