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Sand between my toes.
Posted March 4th 2013 at 02:50 AM by i_like_black
Leisa is cool. She came over today. I am still not in a good head-space, but Leisa helps. She got June to do some cleaning. We're going to have a roster so that June knows when to clean (hopefully she'll follow it), and Leisa wanted me to write down some things which I would like as rules which I have now done. She's coming over again tomorrow.
We went for a drive to one of the beaches down Weymouth way. Just sitting near the ocean, with the sea breeze, felt . . . felt badgood. I felt like the atmosphere there understood how I felt, so although how I feel is not nice and I feel like I'm in pieces on the inside, it was good to just . . . feel.
Leisa said cuts are deeper than usual but don't require stitches. That was my opinion, too. There's only once I've cut deep enough to need stitches, and I didn't get them that time either. I think my one saving grace is that I've never had stitches.
Leisa is going to get me to do the WRAP course. WRAP is Wellness and Recovery Action Plan. It's the first step to working in Peer Support . . . but the main reason she's looking at me doing it is that it will get me out of the house for a couple of hours a day for the next fortnight. I'll miss art group for a fortnight but as she said, that's not a major thing.
She said she is "glad you're still with us". I knew they would be though. Everybody aside from me is happy that I'm alive and that once more I failed to kill myself. Except for me, I feel like such a failure, and everything seems so hard right now, and I know it's not permanent but a permanent solution means no problems again, ever. I guess I won't try again for at least a couple of weeks, but I don't know, I just feel so awful on the inside. It's like having thunderclouds in my chest.
I haven't eaten properly for a couple of weeks. Initially I was just monitoring my kJ intake, which was going well, then I started to get unwell and I stopped monitoring it but I also stopped eating because I don't feel like cooking and I don't feel like eating. I've had two muesli bars today. Maybe I might make toast later. Maybe not. It seems like such a huge effort.
I want to cut more. I probably will tonight.
Oh yeah, and from us being at the beach, and standing in the water, I have sand between my toes. Come to that, standing in the water (just our feet) with Leisa just feeling the water and the breeze is the nicest thing I have done in such a long time. I felt less . . . less alone.
We went for a drive to one of the beaches down Weymouth way. Just sitting near the ocean, with the sea breeze, felt . . . felt badgood. I felt like the atmosphere there understood how I felt, so although how I feel is not nice and I feel like I'm in pieces on the inside, it was good to just . . . feel.
Leisa said cuts are deeper than usual but don't require stitches. That was my opinion, too. There's only once I've cut deep enough to need stitches, and I didn't get them that time either. I think my one saving grace is that I've never had stitches.
Leisa is going to get me to do the WRAP course. WRAP is Wellness and Recovery Action Plan. It's the first step to working in Peer Support . . . but the main reason she's looking at me doing it is that it will get me out of the house for a couple of hours a day for the next fortnight. I'll miss art group for a fortnight but as she said, that's not a major thing.
She said she is "glad you're still with us". I knew they would be though. Everybody aside from me is happy that I'm alive and that once more I failed to kill myself. Except for me, I feel like such a failure, and everything seems so hard right now, and I know it's not permanent but a permanent solution means no problems again, ever. I guess I won't try again for at least a couple of weeks, but I don't know, I just feel so awful on the inside. It's like having thunderclouds in my chest.
I haven't eaten properly for a couple of weeks. Initially I was just monitoring my kJ intake, which was going well, then I started to get unwell and I stopped monitoring it but I also stopped eating because I don't feel like cooking and I don't feel like eating. I've had two muesli bars today. Maybe I might make toast later. Maybe not. It seems like such a huge effort.
I want to cut more. I probably will tonight.
Oh yeah, and from us being at the beach, and standing in the water, I have sand between my toes. Come to that, standing in the water (just our feet) with Leisa just feeling the water and the breeze is the nicest thing I have done in such a long time. I felt less . . . less alone.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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You're not a failure. You're really not. Please don't think you are.
You really aren't alone, either. Maybe you can talk to Leisa a bit more about how you are feeling. Open up to her, get the help and support you deserve to get through this thing, to kick everything to the curb and just get back to living. And participate in WRAP. And just do everything that it takes to stay alive because even though it is bad for you right now, it will be good again soon. And I'm glad you're still here, too. The comment you made on my blog was amazing and I want you to know you can vent to me sometimes if you want.
And maybe ask her to take you to the beach more often. Even if you still feel sort of bad at least the feeling of being there may help you out some, to get outside and feel the sand and water and feel the breeze can help. To take a deep breath in the fresh air and just feel. Because feeling can be good sometimes.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense but the moral is to just stay strong, okay? <3
Posted March 4th 2013 at 03:23 AM by ¯|_(ツ)_|¯
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You are not a failure and never will be. Give WRAP a go, it may really help. Keep talking to people, keep letting them in, keep letting them know what is going on for you. You are not alone. You know where I am if you need me. Don't give up. Keep going and keep fighting.Posted March 4th 2013 at 10:02 AM by WhisperingSilence
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You're everything but a failure and I think you've come a really long way and I think there's a reason for that but maybe right now, it's hard for you to understand or even see that reason because of the way you feel and that's okay because in the meantime people are here to support you through it, yeah?
Stitches are horrible but it's ironic because I've self harmed pretty severely many times and needed stitches, and the self harm, which was pretty severe, didn't bother me, and then I would be in A&E getting stitches crying like a baby. And I think we all self harm for different reasons and I guess why I was like that, was because I needed the pain in the moment and actually, even though I went very deep, sometimes it didn't even hurt very much, when in reality it probably should have, but I think that sometimes, I feel so low, having that adrenaline rush of self harming severely which kind of over took all of these negative emotions. I think it helps me now, to understand why I want to self harm and what I feel i get out of it. Have you ever thought about what you feel you get out of hurting yourself? When you sit there and make that choice to cut, what is it you're aiming to get out of cutting? Do you think there is anything else which is healthy, which you could do which you would get the same from, instead? And I don't expect you to sit her for a minute while reading this and come up with an answer. Go away and really think about it.
I hope that made sense. And remember, you're not alone. And if you ever want or need a chat, you're more than welcome to message me. Stay smiling ad accept the help and engage in it. People care.Posted March 4th 2013 at 09:11 PM by Palmolive
Updated March 4th 2013 at 09:17 PM by Palmolive
