Gotta get down on Friday . . .

I barely slept, I'm not tired. I got out of bed because I had a phone call, realised I had no chance of falling asleep again anyway, and just got on with my day. As much as turning on a laptop and playing RuneScape can be considered getting on with one's day.

The phone call was kind of surreal actually. It was around 8:30am, maybe a little later - early for a phone call, mostly people wait until they're sure I'm awake. I'd been having a weird dream, because although I hadn't been properly asleep since about 6ish, I was in that dozy place where you have lots of dreams. In my dream, for some reason I was staying at my mother's house, in the room that's currently my sister's, and my sister was in the room that the two of us used to share. I was sitting on the bed, with the door open, cutting. Which isn't something I'd do in real life - I would hate for anybody to see me in the act. My sister walked past and saw me, and said she was going to tell my mother, and I felt like I was going to be in huge trouble. Then my cat walked through the door to outside (that bedroom has a door leading outdoors), and I was standing there trying to convince myself that it wasn't worth walking on the motorway and failing. I was just reaching out my hand to pull the door further open and leave (still in my dream), when the phone rang.

I woke up straight away, thinking, whafuck that was an odd dream. Ran to the phone, attempting to cover my nudity with my arms as I don't close the lounge room curtains and I sleep mostly naked, picked up the phone, ran back to my room and answered.

"Hey Jess, it's Leisa, are you alright?"
I don't remember what I said. She said, "You were just on my mind really strongly so I thought I'd call."
We passed usual short communications for then, but damn it was weird. Based on the dream I was having at the time, that woman has uncanny intuition.

It was weird. It was the sort of phone call you really don't expect (especially considering the content) and it was . . . surreal.

Then I got up, played RuneScape for a while, had a shower, and went to my appointment with Judy.

Her wrist and sternum: she had an altercation with a kayak.

Other stuff: in her words, I didn't do anything outrageous whilst she was away. She said after being away for so long, you never know what you're coming back to, and she was pleased and impressed, and said it just shows what happens when I set my mind to something.

She's not too worried about the SH, although she has made progress (I think Leisa had something to do with this too) in referring to it as cutting rather than "scratching". I find the latter mildly offensive, I'm not really sure why. We had a conversation about why I'm doing it so much, and the only conclusion I could get was that at the moment, I want to. I'm not particularly low or anything, I just . . . want to.

Although I am having a fair bit of trouble with impulse control, for the last week or so. The desire to walk on the motorway is HUGE. So is the desire to go out and light fires. But I don't want to damage my chance of getting my license back, so I guess I've been falling back on cutting.

Judy asked me if maybe I am getting a bit high. I said I hope not. Not because I genuinely hope not, but because I don't want to be sectioned or forced to take meds or spend time away from home. Also because my moods still feel quite labile at the moment, and I don't want to say I think I'm getting high and then realise I'm not high . . . not at all.

I watched most of Disturbia, but then it started to get weird so I came and wrote this blog entry.

I'm probably going to get 99 woodcutting before sunrise.