Summer . . .

It is hot. It is humid. It is summer.
My washing is in the machine.
I got new shorts and a singlet.
I didn't buy much as far as groceries go because I haven't been hungry, and to be honest, what's the point of buying food if you're not going to eat it?

My sleep is all over the place. Some nights I sleep in excess of 10 or 12 hours. Some nights (like last night) it feels like I don't sleep at all. The weather doesn't help. Taking my meds sometimes helps, but I've been feeling yuck a lot, and when my stomach feels upset, taking meds is quite simply beyond what I'm capable of. I should take them every night, and I know that, and I know they help me sleep . . . but I just can't do it at the moment.

My new (and free) TV came yesterday, as well as some pots. The TV is very, very flash. The pots are RED! And also very flash. I feel spoilt. I feel like I do not deserve this stuff, and I don't know why Leisa wants me to have these things. It's simply beyond my understanding.

I've been having a huge amount of trouble controlling my impulsive urges. I've known that it's been getting out of hand for about a week now, and yesterday I actually did what Judy said to do if things got out of hand - ring Jens. Only problem? According to the receptionist lady, Jens is currently on holiday. So the lady put me through to whoever was up at ICT at the time, and it was . . . Abi. So I just said I would ring back later and hung up. I was trying to think what to do, then I remembered that my probation officer said she was working over the holiday period and to contact her if I needed to. So I texted her and let her know, and she rang me and organised for me to come in and see her. So I did.

The probation office is air conditioned. So I was like, aaaah. We talked for a while, and I explained how I feel like doing things (walking on the motorway, lighting fires, cutting, been thinking about hanging) that are inadvisable for people who want their driver's licenses back. She asked me how I was feeling on a scale of 1 - 10, and I thought about it, and said probably 3 or 4 (closer to 3) and she said that's quite low, and I was like, yeah.

So she tried about a million different phone numbers to try and find somebody to talk to in order to get them to help me, but she pretty much couldn't get through to anybody. She suggested ringing the hospital but I was like nooo don't do that! so she didn't. Whilst we were waiting for somebody to call back we spent about half an hour playing hangman. After a while she said technically probation couldn't force me to stay any longer (they can only keep people for an hour) but she said I could stay voluntarily if I wanted. I passed, because I needed to go to the pharmacy and also the supermarket (we needed toilet paper.).

Yesterday afternoon, Lucho came over. Lucho's world must be very black and white, his solution was "just focus on your goal and don't do anything". Uh huh, because it's totally that easy. Then Simone rang in the afternoon, but I don't really know her, and added to that, I'm not good at talking on the phone. But Lucho said that Keri would come today, which is good, because I know Keri a little, and her head is screwed on somewhat tighter than either Lucho's or Simone's.

I did cut last night. Not deep. But on my leg. We went to subway this morning (me and my flatmate) because I wanted subway for breakfast, and while we were sitting outside and I was eating, she saw it. She thinks it's pretty bad.

Keri did come over. She also thinks the SH is quite serious, but she hasn't mentioned hospital or respite. I feel like I'm walking along a very thin line, and it's not going to take much to push me over, and then I will in up in hospital or somewhere. I don't know how much I care.

I'm glad I have new clothes though, I feel kinda good about how I look in them.