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End of the week.
Posted November 23rd 2012 at 07:42 AM by i_like_black
The Monday to Friday week, at any rate.
I'm tired. My head hurts because my neck won't click. I ate too much. The part of my bra that goes around my ribcage is far too tight. I have gas, but I'm hesitant to fart because my flatmate is still awake. And the funeral has been post-poned until Tuesday at 2:00pm.
Leisa said the money for the clothes shopping didn't go through so it'll be done on Monday or Tuesday of next week. If it ends up being Monday, then I'll go to the funeral. If Tuesday, then I won't, because it'll probably be too hard to manage my time.
My appointment with Judy. My mood has come up a little, but considering last week it was disgustingly low, that doesn't mean much. She asked how I was coping with it. I said, I have my ways. And she said, are you cutting? And I said yes. Because I'm hopeless at lying, and because the weather's been really hot and I've been wearing a jacket around mental health professionals, I guess it may have been kind of obvious. Kind of.
I just feel awful this evening. I think how tired I am is part of it - it's bordering on exhaustion. I'm not sleeping very well, and I was stressing about today, and I'm still walking around quite a bit. And despite all of this, I'm planning to go to the gym tomorrow, because I haven't been for about a month, and I really should go, especially because the three month membership was a gift. And furthermore, I actually enjoy exercising. And swimming. And sitting in the spa.
I keep thinking I should start reading my bible and going through the purpose driven life and going to church and stuff. I'm scared to. I'm scared that there is no God. Well, maybe not quite scared, but my logic says there's probably no God, and that makes the thought of doing all that stuff just seem like a waste of effort.
I can't kill myself (or try to) because Sam would think it was aimed at her. No motorway walkies, because I've been threatened with preventive detention if I do it again. No fires, because that puts others at risk. No drinking, and no marijuana, because I can't afford it, and it would potentially worry Sam. Remaining option? Self-harm, the solution to so many problems.
Ok, now I just sound depressing. I'ma stop writing before I worry people.
I'm tired. My head hurts because my neck won't click. I ate too much. The part of my bra that goes around my ribcage is far too tight. I have gas, but I'm hesitant to fart because my flatmate is still awake. And the funeral has been post-poned until Tuesday at 2:00pm.
Leisa said the money for the clothes shopping didn't go through so it'll be done on Monday or Tuesday of next week. If it ends up being Monday, then I'll go to the funeral. If Tuesday, then I won't, because it'll probably be too hard to manage my time.
My appointment with Judy. My mood has come up a little, but considering last week it was disgustingly low, that doesn't mean much. She asked how I was coping with it. I said, I have my ways. And she said, are you cutting? And I said yes. Because I'm hopeless at lying, and because the weather's been really hot and I've been wearing a jacket around mental health professionals, I guess it may have been kind of obvious. Kind of.
I just feel awful this evening. I think how tired I am is part of it - it's bordering on exhaustion. I'm not sleeping very well, and I was stressing about today, and I'm still walking around quite a bit. And despite all of this, I'm planning to go to the gym tomorrow, because I haven't been for about a month, and I really should go, especially because the three month membership was a gift. And furthermore, I actually enjoy exercising. And swimming. And sitting in the spa.
I keep thinking I should start reading my bible and going through the purpose driven life and going to church and stuff. I'm scared to. I'm scared that there is no God. Well, maybe not quite scared, but my logic says there's probably no God, and that makes the thought of doing all that stuff just seem like a waste of effort.
I can't kill myself (or try to) because Sam would think it was aimed at her. No motorway walkies, because I've been threatened with preventive detention if I do it again. No fires, because that puts others at risk. No drinking, and no marijuana, because I can't afford it, and it would potentially worry Sam. Remaining option? Self-harm, the solution to so many problems.
Ok, now I just sound depressing. I'ma stop writing before I worry people.
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