The crazy thing . . .

The crazy thing about being this high is you just can't comprehend other people's depression. I mean, generally I can empathise, even though I'm really not very good at it. I do try. But I read all this stuff about how other people are really low and they want to die and their life isn't worth living, and there's a part of me that says, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL EVERYTHING IS? HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?

Because all I can see at the moment is how good things are. I can see how my bed is incredibly damn comfy, even if I'm not sleeping very much. I can see the light in the morning as it goes from dark to that grey, cold pre-dawn light, to the mellow yellow that welcomes in the new day, and the reality is, every time I see the sun rise, I am gladder than ever to be living a new day. I walk outside in the fresh air, because the air is so fresh and sweet. I'm a moderate smoker, so I guess I'm not fully appreciating it, but it's still beautiful. Every piece of food tastes like it was made in heaven and handed down for my tastebuds to jizz over. Some moreso than others. The rain is beautiful, the wind is powerful, the sun is renewing . . . I live in a beautiful world, and I wish you could all join me here.

Right now I'm in a good place. I'm in a place where everybody is my friend, and even the people that bug me, I can deal with (to a point, remember, even at the best of times I have a short fuse and a low tolerance to bullshit). Hugs are amazing, people are beautiful. Comedies are funny as fuck, and even some more serious shows have their moments.

And then, living in this beautiful world, is me. I'm not the world's most attractive, but I am attractive. I'm not the slimmest, or the fittest, but damn, when I look in the mirror I think I look fine. As in, damn girl you fine. I draw, amazingly. My mind understands concepts quickly and easily. And apparently I talk too fast, but I just get so excited. About everything.

I feel like stopping the quetiapine has opened my eyes. If I take it, there's no way I'd be awake to see a sunrise. Or have enough energy to be walking around appreciating the world for what it is. Sure, it stops me being depressed - but it doesn't let me be all the way me.

So yeah. Maybe the mental health system will disagree with me not taking quetiapine. They'll bullshit on about high-risk and so forth and how people who don't sleep are more impulsive, they'll use my fast talking as a reason, and my quick mind will be turned against me . . . all because they never get to experience this reality, and this sureness that I'm meant to live, and nothing will change that until the time is right for that to change. You know what? I reckon they're just jealous. Maybe their world is dull and gray and repetitive. They sure don't have what I have - intelligence, wit, humour, and massive amounts of talent . . . and all reports say I'm likeable too. So yeah.

Don't mind me, I shit rainbows.