In the last week.

So, last Monday Sam came home.
Last Tuesday was Sam's birthday. We celebrated with drinks and pizza, it was good, and we were like, cool.
Wednesday was normal.

Thursday I overdosed on zopiclone, drank half a bottle of rum, and went for a long walk which I spent most of cutting myself with a razorblade - unusual for me, I don't usually enjoy razorblades.

I was stopped by a member of the public who was concerned about the amount of blood. She contacted emergency services, police and an ambulance turned up. I was told to get in the ambulance. I don't remember much. I remember the EMT being annoyed that I got blood on something, and I remember being told more than once to sit on the bed. I also remember being told to put my arm in a towel. I don't remember being admitted to hospital. I vaguely remember watching them put a line in my right arm and simultaneously feeling something cold on my left arm. I woke up in the night and saw a lady sitting outside the door of the room I was in. I was the only one in the room.

I remember my keyworker coming in on Friday morning but I don't remember us talking. I remember putting my own clothes back on, but I don't remember when I took them off. I remember once I got home, I realised that I'd left my jewellery at the hospital (only once I saw my lack of bracelets, I don't recall removing them), and I rang my keyworker. I remember her contacting me later to tell me that she'd found it, so I guess she has it at the moment.

I remember deciding to go walk on the motorway, but I don't remember walking there. I remember Leisa driving past and trying to get me to stop, and I remember walking down a muddy embankment to get to the motorway. I remember crossing the lanes of traffic, and I remember walking in the fast lane. I remember a 4WD pulling over and the driver telling me he was an off-duty police officer. I remember asking him to prove it, and he did so using his wallet. I remember getting into his car. I don't remember the car ride. I remember arriving at the Manukau hub and being put in a holding cell. I don't know how long I was there for. I remember being told I had to put on this thing that looked vaguely like a sack. I remember being careful when I pulled my pants off so I could still wear my boxers without them knowing. I remember wondering why they were pulling everything out of my wallet. I remember smacking a blanket repeatedly against a wall in the actual cell, and them confiscating the blanket. I remember smashing my face against the glass, trying to get my nose to bleed (I have a bruised nose now), and smacking the back of my head against a wall trying to lose consciousness. I remember punching the wall and then deciding that hurt. My fists are bruised. I remember then sort of kicking the wall - I stood with my back to it and basically thumped the sole of my foot against it - repeatedly because it made a lot of noise. I remember the girl in the cell next to mine crying a lot, and I remember swearing at her and telling her to shut up. I remember the crisis team coming with a doctor (Sahail), and thinking, "fuck, I'm screwed". I remember telling them I should go home, and I remember them disagreeing.

I remember I had orange juice for dinner, and what was in the container looked like mince and pasta but was disgusting, so I didn't eat any of it.

I remember being forced to wear handcuffs behind my back to be transported from the Manukau hub to the hospital. I remember us walking in through the sealed back entrance to Kuaka and thinking, "oh shit". I remember telling the crisis team that I hoped Dr Bainbridge would crash in transit or break down so that he wouldn't be able to section me. I remember spending what felt like a long time waiting for him to turn up. I remember him telling me I was going to be sectioned but it should just be a short admission.

A student doctor had a conversation with me, but I don't remember what we said.

I don't remember anything else of Friday night except for Tim the Psych Assistant asking me why I was there, because hospital was for sick people.

My memory of Thursday and Friday is really blurred, and only becomes clear from Saturday morning. I just got discharged this afternoon, after spending three days in the locked ward with no leave whatsoever - I wasn't even allowed outside in the courtyard. But, as I said to the doctor today, I'm well, and I've been well ever since I woke up on Saturday.

Here's the bits I don't remember:
Many of the cuts on my arm were glued shut, and a couple were steri-stripped.
I was given an ECG, but only figured it out when I found one of the little magnetty things on me when I was showering on Saturday morning.

I was admitted to ED at Middlemore just before midnight on Thursday night. I left home nearly three hours prior to this, and don't know how long I was walking for. I remember being picked up outside of Allenby Road Park, but my memory of actually walking in between Manukau and there is gone. Completely. I have no idea how I got that far. I remember seeing a bloody handprint on the police car, but not what I must have done for it to get there. I have photos of what I did to my arm, taken on Thursday night, but no memory of taking them.

On Thursday night, I was seen by psych liaison and declared not a suicide risk and safe to go home, but I don't remember who the psych liaison was and I definitely don't remember the conversation.

I remember knowing I had $7, but I don't remember waving a $5 note in front of my flatmate saying "I'm rich, I'm rich!" I have no doubt that I actually did this - I found out when I was looking for my money (as yet still missing, I must have put it somewhere stupid while I was still out of it.), I have no memory of eating lunch, but based on the missing food, I did eat lunch. I also don't remember reading an entire chapter of a book, which I have since re-read.

I received a letter in the mail today thanking me for talking with the student doctor about my experience in restraint/seclusion, but I have no memory of either being used in this most recent hospitalisation - although I do have a bruise on my knee that I don't know how I got.

I found out later that I had quite a long-winded discussion with a student nurse on Friday night, but this morning at breakfast when she greeted me by name (which freaked me out a little), I saw her face and had no recollection of ever having met her before. She assures me we had a conversation. I just don't remember it.

So, that was my week. I've lost most of Thursday and most of Friday and unless someone tells me exactly what I did, I will continue to have absolutely no idea.

As for now, I'm home, I feel perfectly fine, I don't have any urges to do anything dumb, and I'm feeling very apprehensive about my next keyworker appointment on Friday because I'm sure she'll want to go over my reasons for doing such dumb stuff - and the fact is I simply don't remember.

And yeah, I'm safe and well and blahdiblah.