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Obsessive thought pattern.
Posted July 14th 2012 at 08:29 AM by i_like_black
I. Am. Obsessed. With. Suicide.
I don't know why! I don't feel actively suicidal at the moment (in fact the suicidal patches are getting shorter and more infrequent, thanks quetiapine), but I'm still obsessed with how, and how long, and how effective - I'm still researching it, courtesy of google.
I did find out that had I gone for plastic bag suffocation in hospital, I would have been dead within ten minutes - meaning I would have been dead for at least five minutes before the 15/60 check occurred. Yes, somehow I got a plastic bag into a secure unit, it just happened, same as how I managed to get a blade into a locked unit last time. In fact, I think the only reason I had a plastic bag was because when I had some clothes dropped off, the staff were busy with another patient - so overlooked the fact that my stuff came in a plastic bag.
It's irrelevant.
I don't want to die, but I want to die. I want to die just to see what happens, to find out what's over the hill - but I'm not suicidal at the moment. I guess it's morbid curiosity. Either that or it's part of the rollercoaster back up out of depression . . . they do say that suicidal ideation and attempts are actually more common at the beginning of the improvement in mood, as the patient/client has more energy with which to pursue an attempt.
I'm not sure what to think. I just know that I have this obsessive thought pattern. :S
I don't know why! I don't feel actively suicidal at the moment (in fact the suicidal patches are getting shorter and more infrequent, thanks quetiapine), but I'm still obsessed with how, and how long, and how effective - I'm still researching it, courtesy of google.
I did find out that had I gone for plastic bag suffocation in hospital, I would have been dead within ten minutes - meaning I would have been dead for at least five minutes before the 15/60 check occurred. Yes, somehow I got a plastic bag into a secure unit, it just happened, same as how I managed to get a blade into a locked unit last time. In fact, I think the only reason I had a plastic bag was because when I had some clothes dropped off, the staff were busy with another patient - so overlooked the fact that my stuff came in a plastic bag.
It's irrelevant.
I don't want to die, but I want to die. I want to die just to see what happens, to find out what's over the hill - but I'm not suicidal at the moment. I guess it's morbid curiosity. Either that or it's part of the rollercoaster back up out of depression . . . they do say that suicidal ideation and attempts are actually more common at the beginning of the improvement in mood, as the patient/client has more energy with which to pursue an attempt.
I'm not sure what to think. I just know that I have this obsessive thought pattern. :S
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