Brain Overload.

I feel like I'm suffering from brain overload. I'm not even doing that much.

Mondays, I coach. Tuesdays are now a free day. Wednesdays, I coach. Thursdays, I have community work and supervision appointments. Fridays, I have mental health appointments, and I coach. Weekends, I now have competitions, as competition season is, as of Saturday, in full swing. This weekend I will be coaching on Saturday and judging on Sunday.

I most likely will not find the time or the money to get new judging clothes (black pants and a white shirt) before Saturday. Which means I will look unprofessional again. And fat. It's not the fat that bothers me in this regard, there are other fat judges. It's just that I'll look so trashy.

I don't know why. My mind feels so scattered. It feels like I need a sort function, I can't separate everything from everything else at the moment, it's all in one great big pile in the middle. And I'm coping, at the moment, but just barely. Like by about a gnat's whisker.

I can't sleep at night because my mind goes into overdrive - not busy thinking and planning like a few weeks ago, but busy worrying and ruminating, and I have little power to stop it, or even to sidetrack it. I try, but I always end up back at the same pattern of thoughts. I'm stressing over nothing. Making mountains out of molehills.

I am not coping. Nuh uh, not at all.

I am not mentally fit enough to go cold-calling and searching for work at the moment. It's taking everything I've got to get to all the places I'm already supposed to be and give as much as I'm supposed to give at those. I simply don't have any extra at the moment.

And I know from last year, that when I try and spread myself too thin, bad things happen. Even coaching 3 days a week feels like I'm stretched almost to breaking point at the moment. The job itself is going well, and my boys are achieving well - we might even get a few placings and maybe a medal this weekend - but I'm so far out of it.

Nana had surgery to lift her brow today, it went well.

I'm scared that if I admit any of this to my keyworker she'll see me as weak.

I'm confused. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Whether I should keep trucking on and hope it will get better, or ask for some help whilst I still have the insight to do so. Both of those feel like the wrong answer.
:S