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DO. NOT. WANT.
Posted June 25th 2012 at 12:37 PM by i_like_black
[funny from facebook: I have mood poisoning. Must be some of the bullshit I swallowed.]
I love how being in a low phase gives you days of absolutely loathing yourself, and other other days where you simply don't have the motivation to move.
Also, my laptop is making noises, and I can't figure out why, it's purely when I type, either I'm hallucinating (unlikely) or there is a fuck-up circuit between my keyboard and my speaker.
But anyway, back on topic. I DON'T want to go cold-calling. At all. So I'm not going to. Mum and Nana will be out, Sam has work, Tim will either be sleeping or organising a funeral (he's in CanTeen and people have a tendency to die), and Philip has work, which means I can avoid any awkward phone calls.
It's not that I'm against the idea of working. It's more that I'm against the idea of asking for money for public transport, then getting in the car of a woman I don't really like very much (repeatedly), and having conversations I don't want to have with people I don't want to know. In all honesty, I think laying in bed until midday and then getting up and walking to probation for my 2pm appointment is a much better use of my Tuesday. Cold-calling is just not something I'm up to right now. And furthermore, in my many years of job-hunting, I have never (not even once) been offered a job as a result of cold-calling, and nor has anybody I know. Ergo, waste of time.
There's a competition this weekend in Hamilton. And then a weekend off, and then like four competitions all in a fucking row. How on earth am I supposed to deal with that? I'm not even sure I should be coaching. I've been feeling weird about my position for nearly a year now, but I keep getting lured back in . . . it's like because I love gymnastics (even though I can't do it to save myself), I just keep coming back for more.
Anyhow so I'll be away all weekend, either panicking about how scary some of my gymnast's routines look, or feeling shit when they get shit scores, or judging and feeling shit about how I'm hardly ever in range. Oh, and also feeling shit about being fat, because unless I get some new black pants and a new white shirt before Saturday (and it's highly unlikely that I will, due to cost), I'm going to look like a fat shit in jeans and a jacket again. Totally not cool. Judges are supposed to look professional. I just - don't.
Still haven't figured out what that motherfucking noise is. Wtf laptop, why you practise for role of Darth Vader?
So anyway. I just don't want to go anywhere. Or do anything. And I keep having to go places. And do stuff. And I know I don't do exactly a hell of a lot, but right now it's stressing me the fuck out.
I hate my life.
I love how being in a low phase gives you days of absolutely loathing yourself, and other other days where you simply don't have the motivation to move.
Also, my laptop is making noises, and I can't figure out why, it's purely when I type, either I'm hallucinating (unlikely) or there is a fuck-up circuit between my keyboard and my speaker.
But anyway, back on topic. I DON'T want to go cold-calling. At all. So I'm not going to. Mum and Nana will be out, Sam has work, Tim will either be sleeping or organising a funeral (he's in CanTeen and people have a tendency to die), and Philip has work, which means I can avoid any awkward phone calls.
It's not that I'm against the idea of working. It's more that I'm against the idea of asking for money for public transport, then getting in the car of a woman I don't really like very much (repeatedly), and having conversations I don't want to have with people I don't want to know. In all honesty, I think laying in bed until midday and then getting up and walking to probation for my 2pm appointment is a much better use of my Tuesday. Cold-calling is just not something I'm up to right now. And furthermore, in my many years of job-hunting, I have never (not even once) been offered a job as a result of cold-calling, and nor has anybody I know. Ergo, waste of time.
There's a competition this weekend in Hamilton. And then a weekend off, and then like four competitions all in a fucking row. How on earth am I supposed to deal with that? I'm not even sure I should be coaching. I've been feeling weird about my position for nearly a year now, but I keep getting lured back in . . . it's like because I love gymnastics (even though I can't do it to save myself), I just keep coming back for more.
Anyhow so I'll be away all weekend, either panicking about how scary some of my gymnast's routines look, or feeling shit when they get shit scores, or judging and feeling shit about how I'm hardly ever in range. Oh, and also feeling shit about being fat, because unless I get some new black pants and a new white shirt before Saturday (and it's highly unlikely that I will, due to cost), I'm going to look like a fat shit in jeans and a jacket again. Totally not cool. Judges are supposed to look professional. I just - don't.
Still haven't figured out what that motherfucking noise is. Wtf laptop, why you practise for role of Darth Vader?
So anyway. I just don't want to go anywhere. Or do anything. And I keep having to go places. And do stuff. And I know I don't do exactly a hell of a lot, but right now it's stressing me the fuck out.
I hate my life.
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