My everything aches.

My shoulders ache from community work. My arms ache from catching kids during trust games. My upper back hurts from community work. My lower back aches from having poor posture so much. My legs ache because they're all tight from standing all day on Thursday. It's ok, though.

I nearly ran out of gym tonight. In all seriousness, I don't think anybody realised what was going on. All the kids were excited and noisy, and I was trying to run conditioning and they kept having conversations, and I couldn't filter it out, and I couldn't focus, and it was too noisy inside my head, and I very nearly just gapped it.

Then I was feeling bad anyway, and we were doing trust games, and we did the one where you stand in a tight circle around the person in the centre, and the person in the centre has to close their eyes and fall and let themselves be passed around by the others. Obviously, you need to maintain a tight body for this, but that wasn't my issue. I lasted about 30 seconds and then I started freaking out so I just stood up and blundered out of the circle. I was nearly crying. I don't even know what went wrong, because I *do* trust everybody who was in the circle.

And I just want to sleep. All the time.

I came very close to walking in front of a train today. It was just two steps away. I don't remember why I restrained myself, just that I did. But it was very close. Like, if on a scale of 1 - 10, 1 is, I had a random thought, and 10 is, I'm doing it right now, I was a 9. To give you an idea.

I just don't know. I don't want people to know either. And we have team building tomorrow and it's going to be so goddam hard. I just want to disappear.