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Posted June 18th 2012 at 07:36 AM by i_like_black

Charge: Unlawfully takes motor vehicle
Plea: guilty (changed it, couldn't be bothered fighting my way through the court process)
Sentence: 80 hours community work, 12 months supervision with a court order to do personal skills counselling.

Well fuck that.
If they make me see somebody different through probation, I'm just not going to go. I'm already involved in mental health services, I shouldn't have to see extra services that are basically the same thing.
The community work I'm ok with, I'll sort out when and where and how often with probation and we'll be sorted.
Supervision is going to be a pain in the arse. You have to go up to probation whenever they want you to go, and you're not allowed to change address without their permission. Which is just shit.

The judge was a dick. He gave me a choice of paying $200 then and there or 7 days in prison. I tried to ask the duty solicitor if I'd be able to contact my manager and let her know I couldn't be there for that week (as I didn't have $200, obviously), and then he over-rode what he said and went on some bullshit rant about kids and their parents trust. AS IF. Nevermind the fact that I pay to live here, that I work (albeit part-time), and that my car had been moved, without my permission, to where I couldn't access it at the time. No, none of that matters. All that matters is that the judge is an asshole who could only see the "crime" and not the mitigating factors. And then he went on to say that he believed I didn't understand my responsibilities yadayadayada and he was going to enforce personal skills counselling. Dickwad. So, I'm actually furious, not at the sentence (I've no problem with fair sentencing), but at the judge's complete lack of interest in anything other than convicting me and trying to make me look like a shit. Should stalk him and beat the shit out of him just to prove him right so he can go home happy, but I won't, because an asshole like that honestly just isn't worth the effort.

Rowena thought I was coming into work today. I had misunderstood, when I said I'd be returning to work Mondays I meant from next Monday. I should have clarified the date because it turns out she was expecting me tonight and I didn't show. If I were her, I'd be pissed. I'll sort it out on Wednesday when I go in.

Going up to the community probation office (or whatever it's called) tomorrow to sort the community work order and that other shit out. May as well get it done, has to be done prior to 4pm Wednesday and I coach on Wednesdays so that's not really practicable.

Text messaged my dealer. No reply as of yet. I think being stoned will improve my situation hundredfold though, because everything's better when you're stoned.

By the way, I'm low. *interruption: dealer text received*
I've been in denial about it because seriously, who, when retaining a relative amount of sanity, would admit to themselves that despite their best efforts, they feel like shit?
The reality is *dealer says not in business currently due to cops* I feel awful. I've been losing sleep. Cutting more. Getting more easily confused. Making silly mistakes. Feeling horrible for making said mistakes. Cutting as a result. Ruminating and sleeping less as a result. Feeling less hungry, but eating more for emotional reasons, and feeling sort of nauseous as a result of that.

I sort of want to die, but I don't want to let down my club, not when I've been doing so well with being reliable and coaching well lately. *no weed for me today, stupid cops* I don't want to risk the one job I have, because it's a good one, and - and without it there's nothing stopping me.

I feel so awful.
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