Got through the day.

Without major incident, even. So . . . last appointment with Yvonne. I have no particular feeling about that, if I ever need to see a psychologist again, one will be provided. It's not a big thing for me, I didn't see her for very long so yeah.

I still have to see Judy regularly though. She's my keyworker and she's also a mental health nurse.

We discussed sleep and fast thoughts and stuff today. So they know now that I've been high for the last 2 - 3 weeks. I didn't want to talk about it initially, and I didn't actually talk about it much, but they said that so long as I don't engage in any "risky behaviour", they will just let me cope with it in my own way as they are aware I have some good skills. Surprise surprise.

They are expecting me to get low in a week or so. To be honest I'm expecting it too, but I don't want to think about it, I just want to stay UP. It's a relatively good place to be, although I react to anxiety really badly when I'm up. But I'll be ok.

I got to gym today and sat down and blanked a little bit. I must have looked a little out of it because Rowena noticed and asked if I was ok. I said yes, just nervous about Monday - which is entirely the truth - and she said fair enough, she would be nervous too. But I coached alright, we actually had a pretty decent session, Kriya's girls and my boys did conditioning together at the beginning (after warm-up and general stretch), then my boys went to high bar and mushroom, we also used the free weights and the parallel bars, and we were there for about 45 minutes. We finished with a long stretch, with them being pushed by me. (Don't worry, I'm an experienced gymnastics coach, I don't break them.) Held all 3 splits for 2 minutes each with a 30 second rest in between to give their legs a break, then did pike and straddle stretches. By that time we had about 5 minutes left, so we went to the floor and had a handstand competition with all the other gymnasts before finishing. So overall, quite a good night, got some decent training in, really starting to work on the correct swing shapes on high bar, those boys lost big marks at KB for poor technique.

I got paid some cash for judging at KB. I didn't think I was going to get paid for it, so it's quite a nice little bit of extra money. Some of it went on dinner, the rest of it has gone into my jar. Where it shall stay. You see, I have absolutely no idea what the outcome of Monday is going to be, and I don't want to end up somewhere strange with cash in my wallet. Just strikes me as asking for trouble.

I am so goddam nervous. What if I get sent to jail? At the beginning of this year I wouldn't have given a shit, I was so depressed I didn't care about anything, not even gymnastics, and jail seemed ideal. But now I'm really involved in gymnastics again, and I'm not depressed, and I don't want to lose my job. I'm just so scared.
I mean it's - I don't even know how likely imprisonment is. The problem is, if I'm convicted, I'll probably also be sentenced for the offensive weapons charge from last October. Really not good. Because that will more than likely incur a harsher sentence. I'm really hoping to be found not guilty, but that's unlikely, so, I really just want a sentence that I feel I can work with.

I was really nauseous last night. I never actually figured out why, although I've narrowed it down to either too much screentime or the sodastream vanilla coke, but most likely a combination of the two. I couldn't figure out how to not be nauseous but not long after I turned off my laptop I realised I wasn't going to vomit, and I wanted to sleep. Eventually I came to the conclusion that cutting would probably help me to feel better. So I cut. Just small cuts, not deep, but guess what? It helped.
Went to bed no longer nauseous and slept relatively well. The world is a strange place.

Well, I guess that's my ramblings for the day.