All over the fucking place.

Just sneezed. I keep sneezing at inopportune times. I don't think it's the smoking, although that may contribute. The cold weather probably has more to do with it.

I went to WINZ and the guy told me that the doctor wrote the wrong things on my medical certificate, so I have to go back to the doctor's this Wednesday to see if she will give me a medical certificate with the right things written on it. Then drop it off to WINZ, but see if I can see somebody to make sure the next steps in the procedure get started. Sort of complicated. Will it be worth it? I don't know.

I feel depressed in that calm sort of way where suicide seems like a very logical proposition. Like, hanging would just make sense. I don't see things getting better. I don't see myself succesfully studying, or succesfully working. If I'm just going to live and be a drain on the economy, then really, isn't it better if I'm dead? I don't feel actively suicidal. It just seems like a good idea. I doubt I'll act on it. For one thing, I don't have the means. And for another, it looks like they're trying to change my diagnosis to BPD and a suicide attempt will just help them to feel like that's the right way to go. I'll be asking about my diagnosis tomorrow. Seems like a relevant question, all things considered.

I don't have the motivation to exercise. I will never lose weight if I never have any motivation. And I'm sick of being fat. Along with that, I'm sick of my family's attitude towards me. They're not even polite about it. They're just plain cruel. I shouldn't have to live with that. None of them have been through anything like what I've been through, so how dare they judge me. How dare. More reasons to want to live somewhere different. Reasons to want more money. Reasons to change from SB to IB.

So I'm a member of an internet dating site - a NZ specific one. Today this ridiculously hot guy messaged me. As in, he's like, CUT, and his pics make it look like he's a model or an actor or something like that. He's seriously jizz-worthy. And showing an interest in me! What a massive ego boost. Although I'm sure once he sees me in person he'll politely and gradually lose interest, that's what usually happens. On that note, I really need to update my profile picture on there. The one I have is over a year old and is from when I was at the lightest I've been in the last 5 years. So naturally, combined with the long hair I had at the time, I look a lot better in the picture than what I look like now. But I feel that's misleading, so I need to change the picture.

I started cutting again. Sssh, don't tell anyone. Not a lot. But I have the desire to go - well - the desire to try and go as deep as I went while I was in hospital. Which is pretty much deep enough to need stitches. They steri-stripped the ones while I was in hospital, but that's because when they offered to take me over to emergency to get them stitched I couldn't make up my mind, so they left it. Also because when I'm in hospital, I'm considered an AWOL risk so they tend to keep me behind locked doors. But yeah. It sort of has the feeling that it could get out of control very quickly. I'm not sure I care. I mean, I've lived in long sleeves for years in the past, why should the future be any different? And, even if they know I'm cutting, they won't hospitalise me. It's not like it'll kill me, and also, their crisis management plan says not to use hospital or respite or the mental health act, so that's going to work in my favour I guess.

I need some new first-aid stuff though, mainly one of those bandages that you wrap around. I have tubigrip, great for pressure, and I have wound pads - great for blood absorption - but I don't really have anything to hold wound pads in place. And also if I'm going to be going for depth, steri-strips might be a good thing to have handy.

So last week I was feeling calm and on top of things, good, almost, and now I'm back on the downward spiral. I'm not going to tell Yvonne about it yet. I'll wait until the insomnia kicks in. My sleep is fairly fucked at the moment, but that's mainly because I'm going to bed between midnight and 3am, and then when it's time to get out of bed and feed the cat it's bloody cold, so I go back to bed and fall asleep again. Also it takes me like an hour to fall asleep, which means even if I'm in bed at 2, I'm not asleep until 3 or sometimes even 4. But it's not severe enough to be insomnia yet, because I'm still getting enough sleep to mostly function. Mostly.

I'm not going to have much money this week. I forgot about car insurance last week so I'm somewhat in overdraft. Probably have just enough for the doctor's and some smokes. I really want to get a Port Royal pouch but I don't know that I'll have enough for that. I'll have to weigh up my priorities come Wednesday and decide whether paying Mum a good amount is more important or my nicotine addiction is. Also, it's kind of gutting, because I'm meant to be repaying my grandparents for the money they loaned me while I was in Taupo.

Life is messed up. I want to go sleep forever, have no responsibilities. I want to live in an environment where I'm motivated to lose weight and be healthy. I don't know what I want.