Title.

The weather's cooling down at last. So by that I mean, outside is bloody freezing, but it was still too hot to wear pyjama bottoms in bed last night. That's Auckland for you though.

The property manager for the unit I'm looking at got back to me, it's still available (YUSSS!!), and she gave me an 0800 number to ring tomorrow morning in order to arrange a viewing. Also, she gave me the actual move in cost, which is $849.75 - so I still should be able to get assisstance from WINZ for it. I haven't told anybody save my psychologist about it yet, because I don't want to cop too much shit for it. I just want it to be organised, and then hey presto, I've moved out. Simple, relatively stress free. I hope.

I'm doing some washing tomorrow as my gym shirt needs to be clean for me to return it on Wednesday. And so if I don't wash it tomorrow (Tuesday) then I'm an idiot.

Cat's gone AWOL, not good, I got in trouble for him being out last night so hopefully he'll be in soon.

Psychologist brought up something about if I waas in charge of my mental health care, what would I do? And all I could come up with was put me back on citalopram, because that was a mean buzz. Unfortunately the chances of me ever being on JUST citalopram again are ZERO, unless I can find a very gullible doctor.

Oh yeah, I'm seeing a doctor on Wednesday morning, my forms arrived in the mail for my Invalid's benefit application today and the only things I need but do not have are a medical certificate and a board letter from Mum. The doctor doesn't know me very well but hopefully it won't be too hard to explain to her that I've been on the Sickness benefit for over a year and I'm unlikely to be able to work full-time in the foreseeable future.

Have not had a cigarette in over 24 hours. THIS WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. I ran out and I have no money until Wednesday, I had to borrow money from Nana for the bus to see the psychologist today, not good. And I'm craaaaaaaving - I want one pretty bad. But can't have one because of the simple fact that there are none. gdfkjhdkgjerh.

Been thinking about hanging myself and not in abstract terms either. If I get this new place, well, there's a railing, because there's two levels - four units on one level and four units on the other level, and the top level has a deck/porch/walkway thing that would probably support the weight of me and a decent rope. So I've been thinking about it. But I don't own a rope. And chances are within a few weeks of moving out I won't feel that way anymore because I won't have to deal with all the stress and shit of living here.

Yvonne said that skin heals slower as you get older and that my scars are quite visible. Only really because I waas wearing a t-shirt. She didn't see my pattern cut though, which is a good thing, so I can just keep saying that I haven't been cutting. She asked about the colourful bracelets - asked if they have meaning - but generally I just wear them because they're pretty so I said no. I mean, it's not like I was going to tell her that they're hiding a tattoo pattern I carved into my wrist and my scars are itching like hell because of the plastic, was I? She doesn't need to know and what she doesn't know can't hurt her, or me.

We discussed my diagnosis. They brought up the borderline traits, asked me what I understood it to be. I said the self-harm and the multiple suicide attempts. They said something about loneliness and excessive anger. I don't really get lonely, and I only really get angry when I have altercations with either police officers or hospitals. It's very specific anger, it's definitely not excessive or anything like that.

Yvonne also starting hinting towards DBT again and I told her I knew where she was going and to give it up.

Anyway the cat's inside now so I'm going to go lay in bed and read.