(Lack of) Motivation

So here's the deal - at the beginning of last year, 2011, after a very messy break-up with my partner, a couple of things happened. First, I got a full-time job. Second, I realised I was losing weight. And third, I had a boyfriend who was really more of a fuckbuddy - he was good to me though and he was lots of fun to be with. So all was going well, I guess. Then I got told I had to work two 6-day weeks of 12-hr shifts, 5am-5pm. I didn't get told I was being paid overtime, so I thought I was just getting my normal hourly rate. I couldn't sleep. I had to get up at 3am, but I couldn't wind down until around midnight, so what happened? I overdosed on some meds I'd had from a couple of years ago (lorazepam and diazepam, I knew they were relaxants and would help me sleep.), slept through my alarm, got up around 9am, realised I couldn't walk straight, drove to the doctor's, hit something on the way (God knows what but my wing mirror was knocked in), talked to the receptionist, who said the doctor was fully booked and did I want to see a nurse? Saw a nurse who said I needed to be in hospital - so one staff member drove me to hospital and the other staff member drove my car back to my house - went to hospital, had a drip put in (can't remember if they used it or not), had my blood pressure tested hourly although I wasn't sure why at the time, talked with a liaison psychiatrist, and found out through a phone call that I had been fired from my job.

Not long after that I ended it with my boyfriend, although we did engage in carnal relations some six months later, just before he found out some other girl was pregnant with his kid. I didn't mind - it was always casual between us and I'm glad for him. Come to that, his kid's due next month.

I got referred to the Manukau CMHC and was put on the Sickness Benefit. I found flatmates, and suddenly was sharing my house with two males, one of whom was very strange, the other or whom was quite, polite, and generally just a good guy.

I started to gradually re-gain weight, although I was going to the gym somewhat regularly. The gym I was a member of at that time was in Manurewa, and it had included in the membership use of the pool and spa and sauna. Pool use free to the general public, but we got to use it after hours, and I loved sitting in the spa after a good workout and a short swim.

The gym itself had pretty much everything - cardio machines, a circuit, and all manner of freeweights, things like a smith machine . . . it genuinely had everything you could ever want to work out with. It also helped that I had started going to church again not long after I lost my job and many of my acquaintances from church worked out at the same gym, so sometimes we would see each other and hang out, which was cool.

Then around June/July I got severely depressed. My key worker scheduled in for me to meet with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The psychologist (that one anyway) turned out to be one of the better things that happened to me, the psychiatrist, not so much.

I ended up in a turmoil of medications, some of which worked, many of which didn't. Although by that time I was training Olympic-style lifting with my friend Aaron, I gained weight in earnest. It was horrible. I ended up obese, whereas at the beginning of the year I had moved back into the range of overweight and was even approaching a healthy weight. Combined with the effects of my mental illness, it wasn't pretty.

I moved. I ended up at my Mum's house. I joined a different gym. A women's only gym. There is no pool. No spa. No sauna. I don't like the classes. There are less machines. The circuit is wimpy and cardio based. There are barely any freeweights. I'm paying for this gym membership, but I don't feel like using it because none of the things I like to do are at that gym.

I mean, here's my stats:
Hang Clean: 52.5kg
Power Snatch: 37kg (my trainer wouldn't let me go higher and insisted we worked on cleans)
Back squat: 75kg
Front squat: 65kg
Deadlift: 105kg
25m sprint: 4.69s

Now I know those aren't exactly world class stats, but it took me a matter of a couple of months (maybe 2, maybe 3) to achieve them - so I was really still a beginner at the time. And I really, really enjoyed the lifting. I want to get into Powerlifting and Olympic lifting properly, because I'm sure if I trained, I could be really good at it.
But with the equipment required to train not available, I simply have no motivation. I'm also so fat at the moment. When I run, everything jiggles. My boobs bounce up and down and
I can't afford a bra that would keep them in place. Most of the clothes I used to work out in no longer fit due to the weight gain at the end of last year.

And worst of all, because everything seems so pointless, I just eat, and eat, and eat, and I eat badly, because although I pay board and that's supposed to include food, my mother never cooks anything even close to nutritious or filling, so I fall back on junk food from the shop across the road. I know what you may think - why can't I buy my own groceries? Simple. I can't afford to. I'm still on the Sickness Benefit, I have no job. Nearly all my money goes on board. Most of the rest goes on public transport. Some goes on tobacco. It's an endless cycle.

And I'm scared that I'm never going to have enough money to be able to move out of home again. The simple fact is, that when I was living alone and left to my own devices, I was healthy - I ate better, I exercised more, and my sleep pattern was more stable.

Gaaaaah. Oh well.