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Messed up.
Posted April 15th 2012 at 11:06 AM by i_like_black
I am having one heck of a messed up week, so far.
Also, I annexed the barbecue shapes because I was hungry and couldn't afford chips. Until Wednesday, at least, and I've decided I might spend Tuesday living off chocolate. I'll be in transit so it shouldn't be too bad, and when I get there I can always just go straight to sleep and then stay that way until it's time to get ready.
I have to see Yvonne tomorrow. I keep thinking I could miss the appointment, save myself $6.80 on bus fare. But then she'd set up another appointment, and we'd go back around in circles, and the fact is, if I hadn't been to the dairy last night, that $6.80 wouldn't be being contested. So, like everything else, my fault.
Apparently most prison deaths occur by inmates hanging themselves within their own cells. There's a high chance that if I hanged myself in our garage, either someone would find me, or the dog would whine, and someone would find me. And the idea of being resuscitated isn't one I'm keen on. But if I get sent to prison, who's going to spare me a second glance? They don't know I'm suicidal so they'll just leave me alone, and then it will all be over, and I'll never have to worry about work or study or what will happen to my cat ever again because it will just be FINISHED. Oh god, what a lovely concept.
I disgust myself. I'm fat, but I just keep on eating, and I don't even exercise. I have running shoes, and they've been used once. Admittedly the aren't anywhere near as good as my nike frees (which got nicked from the swimming pool when I was living in rewa and was relatively more active than I am currently) but they're still running shoes and I should still be using them. And I ALSO have a gym membership - which I've used all of twice since I got it in January. Admittedly my financial and transportational situations have changed since then, meaning I often lack bus money, and my car is out of action because my family decided it should be, but I still should be finding some way of going. I mean, I could walk there, 45 minutes isn't that long for a walk. I think. I've walked far further. I just don't have the motivation.
And then the other option is if I go to prison, instead of killing myself, I use the spare time to work out. It's unlikely, I think it's far more likely that I'd curl up into a ball and try and sleep forever, but I'm not denying it's a possibility.
And if I don't go to prison, then God knows what. Then I have to go back and coach - but I'll have to wear long sleeves all the time because the most recent scars won't fade - I asked. And if they do, it's going to take YEARS. It's been a month already since the initial injury, and they're still a shade of purple that stands out vividly on my inner arm. There's no way I'd be able to find a feasible lie for them if one of the kids asked, so I just have to face keeping them hidden forever. And then there's the fact that I don't feel up to the job - sure I can get gymnasts up to a level appropriate for competition, but up to a level that enables them to WIN? I just don't have the expertise. And Rowena keeps offering professional development but the sad fact is, if I can't SHOW these kids what I mean, most of them probably aren't going to get what I'm on about, so what's the point?
I keep thinking I want to resign. Because it would be easier. Just walk away from that part of life.
The reality is, I just want to walk away from everything. I want my own place, where I can relax and eat what I want and do what I want, when I want. I want to earn enough money to support myself, and one of the major things holding me back in my job hunt is the fact that I can't be flexible with my hours because of gym. Now, I love gym, I really do, but I can't support myself by any stretch of imagination on what I earn there, so another job is imperative.
I also feel like I can't complete the assignments I'm supposed to be doing for gym and part of the stress this year has been from that feeling, which I can't do anything about, because although the work is probably ok, I'm scared that it isn't. I'm scared that I'll submit it and get it returned failed. And I can't face failing again, not after that one horrible semester where I failed everything.
I don't know what I want. Death seems like the easiest option, but I know from experience it's harder to achieve than I'd like to think.
And I simply don't have the energy to pursue any of the other options.
So in all honesty, I'm really hoping they opt for imprisonment. That would solve so many of my problems.
Also, I annexed the barbecue shapes because I was hungry and couldn't afford chips. Until Wednesday, at least, and I've decided I might spend Tuesday living off chocolate. I'll be in transit so it shouldn't be too bad, and when I get there I can always just go straight to sleep and then stay that way until it's time to get ready.
I have to see Yvonne tomorrow. I keep thinking I could miss the appointment, save myself $6.80 on bus fare. But then she'd set up another appointment, and we'd go back around in circles, and the fact is, if I hadn't been to the dairy last night, that $6.80 wouldn't be being contested. So, like everything else, my fault.
Apparently most prison deaths occur by inmates hanging themselves within their own cells. There's a high chance that if I hanged myself in our garage, either someone would find me, or the dog would whine, and someone would find me. And the idea of being resuscitated isn't one I'm keen on. But if I get sent to prison, who's going to spare me a second glance? They don't know I'm suicidal so they'll just leave me alone, and then it will all be over, and I'll never have to worry about work or study or what will happen to my cat ever again because it will just be FINISHED. Oh god, what a lovely concept.
I disgust myself. I'm fat, but I just keep on eating, and I don't even exercise. I have running shoes, and they've been used once. Admittedly the aren't anywhere near as good as my nike frees (which got nicked from the swimming pool when I was living in rewa and was relatively more active than I am currently) but they're still running shoes and I should still be using them. And I ALSO have a gym membership - which I've used all of twice since I got it in January. Admittedly my financial and transportational situations have changed since then, meaning I often lack bus money, and my car is out of action because my family decided it should be, but I still should be finding some way of going. I mean, I could walk there, 45 minutes isn't that long for a walk. I think. I've walked far further. I just don't have the motivation.
And then the other option is if I go to prison, instead of killing myself, I use the spare time to work out. It's unlikely, I think it's far more likely that I'd curl up into a ball and try and sleep forever, but I'm not denying it's a possibility.
And if I don't go to prison, then God knows what. Then I have to go back and coach - but I'll have to wear long sleeves all the time because the most recent scars won't fade - I asked. And if they do, it's going to take YEARS. It's been a month already since the initial injury, and they're still a shade of purple that stands out vividly on my inner arm. There's no way I'd be able to find a feasible lie for them if one of the kids asked, so I just have to face keeping them hidden forever. And then there's the fact that I don't feel up to the job - sure I can get gymnasts up to a level appropriate for competition, but up to a level that enables them to WIN? I just don't have the expertise. And Rowena keeps offering professional development but the sad fact is, if I can't SHOW these kids what I mean, most of them probably aren't going to get what I'm on about, so what's the point?
I keep thinking I want to resign. Because it would be easier. Just walk away from that part of life.
The reality is, I just want to walk away from everything. I want my own place, where I can relax and eat what I want and do what I want, when I want. I want to earn enough money to support myself, and one of the major things holding me back in my job hunt is the fact that I can't be flexible with my hours because of gym. Now, I love gym, I really do, but I can't support myself by any stretch of imagination on what I earn there, so another job is imperative.
I also feel like I can't complete the assignments I'm supposed to be doing for gym and part of the stress this year has been from that feeling, which I can't do anything about, because although the work is probably ok, I'm scared that it isn't. I'm scared that I'll submit it and get it returned failed. And I can't face failing again, not after that one horrible semester where I failed everything.
I don't know what I want. Death seems like the easiest option, but I know from experience it's harder to achieve than I'd like to think.
And I simply don't have the energy to pursue any of the other options.
So in all honesty, I'm really hoping they opt for imprisonment. That would solve so many of my problems.
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