I can't do anything right.
My words are always wrong.
My actions always misplaced.
My heart set for disgrace.
It is just too late for me to make up anything now.
I never saw myself as an addict cutter, or an addict to pain.
But now I am.
I like cutting myself.
I like the rush of pain.
And you know what?
I don't want to change it.
I just want the pain.

I keep compareing myself to my sister, April.
She is short. Super skinny. Supper pretty. All the girls want to be her friend. Everyboy wants to date her. She is perfect. Aboslutely flawless! Shes the girl everygirl wants to be!
Including me!
I have been starving myself for over a week now. I want to be skinny like April. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty.
But it isn't working.
Even with me running every few days. Even with me cutting and loseing blood....

I dont know what too do anymore.
I can never stop crying. This is it. This it damn it! I'm done. No more eating. No more sleeping. No more talking.
Kill me.

I don't want this anymore.
I am a lie.
I am a big FAKE.
I will never be able to redeem the old me.
So, I kept the lies there.
But they just kept getting bigger.
I am a slut, a skank, a whore, a slut, a bitch, a cunt, I am all the bad things in the world.
Nobody need to care anymore-as if they did.
I just want to die.
Death is so easy.
Life is nothing to me anymore.
I have decided not to live.
What is it worth?...

I feel so bad for ranting on freahman. And Shay. She is like a really good friend I just blew some steam though.
It is ok right!?!
Someone tell me It was okay?!
Other then that...

I am so damn glad my thoughts are ranted on here then actually said to the person. Then I would be supperrr guilty I would cry :O !
Mmm.

All I did was tell you the truth. You asked me && I told you. I told you he was going to break up with you. That's what he told me! I have the messages! I have the damn proof! What do you have?
No proof!
So, you shot back with fire. Told me Eskie likes a bisexual girl. Liar! Stupid freshman!
How could you do that to me?
You are SO full of yourself.
You have a dad. You have mom. You got friends. You are gorgous. What the hell is your problem!?
Maybe...

Bullshit.
Bullshit, bullshit.
Everything is bullshit. Everyone is lying to me lately. They are all playing with my mind it is driving insane. Noone of this is going work. I am a useless human being takeing up somebodys precious air that they deserve and I don't.
I am useless.
I am a useless peice of bullshit.
I am a good for nothing nobody.
I am a failure.
I am stupid.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am fat.
I am broken.
I...

He is confuseing me.
He says he likes me sometimes. && then he yells at me, saying he needs to think.

He is supposed to ask me out tomorrow afterschool.

I want to say yes.

But everything is telling me to say no.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I am so terrfied, it can't even be expressed.
I just won't go to school.
But Shays counting...

I want to write again.

I want my thoughts on paper.
I want to get upset when I mess up. When the ink gets smuged, and it gets my finger black. When I hear the crunch of crumbling the mistake and throwing it away, hearing it hit the bottom of the trash can.

I want to get it right.
I want to smile a small smile, barely at the coner of my lips. Why? Because I wrote something I was proud of.

I stopped writing, because my thoughts were depressing,...

I was talking to my friend Eskie...
We had asked what are biggest fears were.
I lied to him.
I said that heights, and the being in the dark alone were my biggest fears. No. Even though they are my fears..


My biggest fear is two kids can't be happy. My little half brother and sister. I am terrified for them. My mother has destroyed them. They don't even love me....
Know me....
I wish they could be happy..
I love you guys, when...