The crazy girl knows she's Crazy!

Every one I see here and there have so much laughter and smiles in their faces and voices.
Why can't I have it?
I try really hard to be happy.
I'm labeled and known as the "crazy" girl at my school...my whole town. I am known to switch personalities in an istant. I am known to have anger issues. I am known as the smart girl everyone copies off of. I am known as the girl who will give in to anything you ask for. I am known for being gullible and vunarable. I am known as the me that isn't the real me.

I have told lies. I wish everyday and night that I could take every single lie back. I can't. And if I told the truth? I'd be even more hated then I am now. Hard to believe, but it is true.

I want to be known as the girl who also worked hard for what she wanted. I wanted to be known for being normal...

I'm tired of being crazy. That's what describes me to everyone in my town. And I am sure if I moved, I would never lie, and I'd be true.

I don't have faith in much anymore.
I got kicked out of my Drama practice because instead of going to practice I ran to my friends house to stop her from commitinng suicide. But I couldn't tell my grandma that. I wouldn't betray her trust for my passion. So, now I am not in this last years plays. It makes me sad and relieved at the same time.

Shays bestfriend Payton is now going to school and I can feel myself drifting. They don't need me when they have eachother;I know. I lived it.

I hate it. Seeing all these people who don't know wat they're up against. They haven't had a taste of the real world. And that's what makes all of us at TeenHelp stronger. We all are having to go through the REAL LIFE hardships before we should. That's one of the things that I actually like about myself and that keeps me looking foward. That if by some miracle I get past all this, that in the future I will now how to better and best handle the problem than most of my friends because I've already gone through it as a teenager..

I'm expected to act like an adult, but I am treated like a child. I try my best at school. I do my homework. I study. I am just stupid. But I'm studying harder and more often now. I dom't care if I'd have to live on the street right now. If anything helps me reach my goal and being succesful and powerful on my own. I can prove them wrong.

I like reading the Bible. Opening it and reading the "random" versus that pop up. They give me some kind of inspiration and determention. I like to think that God showed me that certain vers or chapter or book in the Bible for some hidden special meaning that I am compeletly and utterly unaware of.

Am I ranting? I bbelieve I am. I keep switching the subjuct. But I am laying down in bed, tired as can be, with my music blaring in my ears, waiting for my half-sister April to finsh watching t.v. so that I may sleep. Doing this makes my thoughts all jumbled inside my brain. I jump from one topic to another. But as long as I get out of my system by writing instead of cutting or starving or running, then so be it!

I cut my left arm on the top two days ago. I had gotten yelled at for not being at Drama practice(the day I saved her). And the way my Grandfather stares at me and talka..it freaks meout. It annoys me. It pushes some kind of nerve in me that automacically makes me want to him. So, I try to avoid him. But when I can't-I'm a screaming fit. But now I gotta wear long sleeves. And it's okay for now. But I'm scared for summer. What if I'm not better by then? And I cut? I can't wear long sleeves;too suspicious. And my excuse will run out fast.

Boys. *sigh* Seems to be every teenage girl problem lately. But with me..I see the mistakes. And I could easily fix them, or ignore them because they aren't a really good problems to care much about anyway. I spent four years on and off with Bryan. During the on & off phases I dated people. Maybe for just a day. Or a week. Maybe even for a few seconds. I never had sex with any of them. I kissed them. Hugged them. I'm calling that fooling around. I still feel dirty because of it. Then I left to go see my Dads family. Bryan and I were inally over. So I dated Nolan for a week probably. Stupid infatution with the kid. Same with Alex. Or anybody. And now Jose(Jose) I'm not sure what to do with the whole situation. I can just never seem to find a guy who I know will treat me right and that I like. I mean there are guys who like me and most certainly would treat me right, but I just don't feel the same for them, no matter how hard I seem to try.

And Alan? My crush even while I was dating Bryan, and still now, haha. I lied to him during Christmas Break. I told him I was drunk, and pretended to drunk text him. I got a little too much into the part and forgot what I was doing. I had fkund he liked me. Thought I was pretty. Awesone. That he liked my personality. He said he'd date me..we had an "I love you" war. He NEVER tells anyonehe loves them, even his bestfriends or even family. I still have the messages. I made an email folder with his name on it. Put the messages in there and look at them whenever I'm feeling down. Because now..now he isn't speaking to me again. He got close to me, and then he left, like he always does. I'll never be able to have hime. He is a running man. And I can't keep up with someone who is always five huge steps in front of me.

Am I still crazy now? Yes.

What can I ay? I know. I miss being happy all the time. I don't want to admot it, but I thonk I am bipoplar. And that I have depression. But major systems. But I don't want have any more problems. If I get marked down with those symptems, I'll be labeled as a lier, or even an attention seeker. *sigh* I can't please anyone. I wantto give up. But I can't.

Because somehow I gotta keep trying. Somehow I gotta kepp moving foward. Somehow..somehow I gotta survive. And I don't have anyone beside me. So, I'll listen to my music and hold my Lords hand and stick this craziness out as best as I can.