Momma && Shay

She is so PERFECT.
Everyone looks up to her. Everyone wants to be her. Everyone wants to date her.
Where am I in all this?
Have I not put myself out there enough to be noticed like her?
Have I not been pretty enough?
Am I just crazy?
Am I going insane?
Whatever happen to me? Did I just disappear?
I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job of putting on a smile, and faceing the day. Each and everyday.
You know what??
I compare myself to a lot of people. But it is mostly her.
The girl who has everybody lookin'.
Shay.
Heads turn when she walks by, I swear.
Shes an inspiration to everyone.
Shes absolutely perfect. Nothing can stop her or get in her way.
I though I was like that too? Is my determention not enough?
Does my pain show up too much?
Or am I so good at it, that I look like I have a damn good life?
Well, I don't. I'm not even jokeing when I sawy I'd rather be born with a horrible disease then live tgis life. If I could take someones cancer so that they could live, and I could die. I would d it in a heart beat.
I will NEVER be good enough.
I am not like my mother.
At least I thought so.
But....they are times...where I feel EXCATLY like her.
I hate it.
But I f*cking love it.
She ismy mother after all.
Maybe she just isn't right in the head.
Maybe she got lost, like me.
Maybe this is how my mother really felt and she needed a way to get out of it, to escape. So, she escaped through drugs, boys, slipping up, and acting out, getting all the attention. Or mayybe she never had attention and this was the first times she got them.
I don't know. Maybe I will never know.
But does the past affect today anymore?
But does tomorrow affect today anymore?
Still, where am I?
I'M TRYING TO BE FUCKING PERFECT!!!
I am never good enough and I never will be.
I will never get straight As.
Not every adult will love me.
I will never be athletic.
I will never be skinny.
I will never be pretty.
But.
I will try.
I will go foward.
I have somthing to fight for- not to give up

I need to stop compareing myself. I need to be me.
Whoever that is.
I'll just have to go on a journey to find myself.