Think

I can't think.
Don't think, Hope.
Don't think, Hope.
Stop. Stop. Stop.

I have this headache that won't go away lately. I asked my grandma about it, she said she doesn't know why I would have a headache.She said she would take me to the doctor. I refused, I just said, "I'm tired. I'll be in fine in the morning." Well, I wasn't fine. And now, I know this headache won't go away. It's there because I try so hard not to think anymore. Everytime I think I cry. I just can not help it.
My thinking brings me to my past. Where it hurts so much...cry. My thinking brings me to my future, where nothing lies ahead but failure...cry. So, you see I can not think. It is something truly horrid. I thought it would help me not be depressed. But no. I am barely structred. I can barely cry now.
And I don't like it. I want to cry. Crying also kept me from cutting. And now I can't cry. I want to cut. But if I cut Zach will hurt himself. Hes watching me, doing everything I do. If I live, he lives...if I die he dies. I feel like I'm holding not only my life in my hands, but also his. What about his girlfriend Payton? Does he not care about her? He can't leave her. I know...but...I'm not worth this.
I try to help everyone regardless of any of this. People cry to me everyday, I'm the one my friends, and people who aren't even my friends, come to for advice. How can I give such amazing advice, but can't follow it on my own? But it's hard for me. Being around all their negativity. It makes me want to think about all my negatives. Then I try to stop. And somtimes I do stop. Other times, I don't....but it doesn't last long, somone always interupets my thoughts.
Everyone says they'd love to be in my postion. Where they couldn't think. No. I hate this. Noone should have this on their shoulders. It is way too heavy. I can barely handle it. I'm hanging on by a thread. And I don't k ow how much more I can take.