My fault. Blame me! Blame me! Blame me!

I keep compareing myself to my sister, April.
She is short. Super skinny. Supper pretty. All the girls want to be her friend. Everyboy wants to date her. She is perfect. Aboslutely flawless! Shes the girl everygirl wants to be!
Including me!
I have been starving myself for over a week now. I want to be skinny like April. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty.
But it isn't working.
Even with me running every few days. Even with me cutting and loseing blood. Starving. Nothing is working!
I will always be the ugly, fat, loser. That's me.
It will never change.
I need help.
But...then I don't want it. I hate telling my friends about me. But when they ask me a direct question, I feel like a dirty little liar if I don't tell them the truth.
Maybe that's who I am.

11-29-11
I have church tomorrow. At 3 is hangout time, at 6 is dinner, at 7 is lesson.
Instead of hangout time, I might make a music video. Sounds fun, right?
Everything is a blur lately. All I remember is the routine. I hardly remember what I tell people. If I told them anything at all.
Except. I remember I got offended today, in Drama class. Angela Simpkins (AKA BOSSY BITCH WHO THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING) preformed something from, "Chorus Line." And it was horrible. I am just not critizing because I am mad. I am being completly honest. My teacher, Mrs. Stanley, said she loved it, and complemented everything. Why? Because it was Angela fucking Simpkins. And then April (my sister) and I and are friends Jerry and Shay preformed peices of, "Phantom of the Operza." What did the kids think? They thought it was awesome. Mrs. Stanley? Her words, "Is that it? Stop it there. Aheheh." What a bitch right? We were appealing to the audience, that's what we were doing. And we worked really hard on it. Especially my sister.

Whatever, I suppose.
My half-cousin Mark today. I was very upset. I cried my eyes out. I had only met him once, and we bonded entirely. And we talked every single day. I already knew he was dying of cancer and he only had a while to live, but you just never really expect theses things until they actually happen, you know?
Then my friend Rob, went to the hospital. I can't stop thinking it is all my fault. He stabbed his leg. He stabbed his arm...while we were on the phone. I tried. But I was too late..
So, now I have a guilty conscience.
I guess not eating, cutting, and hardly sleeping should be added to the list today. It is 2 am in the morning. && I couldn't get possibly anymore tired. But I refuse to fall asleep. I will fall asleep to nightmares. Or worse. I will fall asleep to a beautiful, wonderful and incredible dream, and I'll wake up crying, because it isn't real,or I just might refuse to ever get up.
But I know this. That nobody around me is careing if I am sad or not. I wouldn't care either. I mean, who would want to spend their time helping a little twit? Nobody!
So, I gotta smile and laugh around everyone. What else?
So, I made a promise to myself that I will not be sad around others. When I am home alone, in the bathroom, that is when I will cry. That is when I will cut.
That is when I will think too much. Who will miss me?

I like hugs. Because when I hug someone, even if it is for instant, I feel secure. But now I am starting to wince when people touch me, but nobody is noticing. I am going deeper and deeper inside myself, and noone is going to reach me. And I don't want out.