Another Secert

I saw Nolan today.

I tried to commit suicide yesterday. My bestfriend Blake saved me.
So, today Blake demanded I got his house. My other friend Zach, had invited me to go to Generals (food place), and I refused, I told him, and Blake, that if I go there and see Nolan there, I will cry. I will break down.

Blake didn't listen.

I got to Blake's house, and we went Generals. I couldn't go any where else, and I love Blake, so I went.
I saw Nolan, I tried not looking at him. It was hard though. Blake and Zach tried getting me to eat, but I refused, and now they both said neither of them are going to eat until they see me eat. I don't went to kill my bestfriends. But I am.
When we were walking back to Blakes house, Blake said Nolan wanted to talk to me, I said I didn't care, but immediatly I felt it all coming back. Nolan stepped in front of me and started saying stuff. I didn't hear anything. It was all muble jumble, mixed up words. I blocked it all out, trying my best not to break, not to show him I was weak, or that I would cry. I guess he motioned me away, so I walked off to Blake, and (other people were there, like my bestfriend Shay) Shay came up and gave me a hug.
That did it. I broke. I started crying. Silently, many tears falling down, so, fast. Shay, grabbed my hand and took me to the shell (gas station near generals) and took me to the bathroom, where I cried for one minute maybe. I stopped somehow, by some strength. Shay fixed my make up (just eyeliner and mascara, no offense, I don't wear that other crap). And we went out of shell. Didn't have time to see Nolan again, fully. I had to rush to Blakes houes, because my grandma came back, ad I was in major trouble.I only had time to glance at Nolan.
I want him back. I only had him for one day! One day! But that one day..he carried my books. He held my hand. It wasn't love, no, but. But it was something more than just the "like" emotion. I can't stop thinking about him. Him and me. His hand and my hand. It hurts so bad.
I know that pain, isn't just from him. It's also from all the memories about Bryan and I. It was an abusive relationship, and it screwed up my mind. So, I trusted Nolan. There's so much in that one sentence.
But I can't tell anyone I want him back. They won't understand it.

Anyone want to help me? Or at least give me a hug?


"And someday, she'll have her own secerts. Someday, she'll have her own dreams." -my mother at my birth.

"Your secerts will kill you. Your secerts will form into your dream. And they'll screw up your dreams. You will become nothing worth knowing."-my mother now.