How i feel.

I look happy right? Haha i think thats one of my biggest lies... I'm hardly ever happy.. I wear bright colors and a fake smile that no one can see through.... No one in my family knows that i starve myself... They dont know that i still cut... They think i stop months ago... I did try to stop but i can't.. I dont know if I'll ever be able to.. or if I'll ever be the same again... Right now my only hope is to be skinny and beautiful.. and then when i am that i will be able to stop cutting and that i can maintain that weight and eat a little healthier... I want to be normal and happy again... I go to church and thats the only place i feel like myself.. i feel free... but i wonder of people there (and sometimes even god) can love me... im not pretty or skinny or special in anyway... How can they love me i think when i have scares on my body and the want to do it more... i only hurt people... I'll never be worth much :/