Rant. (strong language)

I feel like shit. I haven't slept, I haven't ate real food since the 12th, I'm in pain, both emotionally and physically. I'm just in so much pain right now.- The physical pain doesn't matter, it doesn't. It'll go away, it'll fade, but my emotional pain doesn't. It only hides and plays pretend long enough for me to fucking act like I'm a perfectly fine person, no, a perfectly fine teenage girl. But I'm not.

First of all, I am not a girl, and no one seems to freaking understand that. I am forever a HER. No matter how much I fight, or don't, or suggest, or tell my preferred pronoun, I get called a "SHE", or a "GIRL", even from people who should freaking know better, even from people that I have explained over and over.

Second of all, my mom told me that my pain (physical) might be because I don't eat correctly. Well, WHAT DO YOU FUCKING EXPECT? You fucking left us for a whole day, not a lot of real food around the place. Microwaved popcorn, Pogos, Eggos... Yeah, you fucking get on my case about my weight, about my blood pressure and all of those things, yet you leave me to eat that. And then when there is actually something almost healthy and good and I want it, you don't tell me, you give it to that fucking little girl who can't even freaking eat a whole bowl of cereal!- and then say that it's alright because there were raisins in it. Oh, I'm sorry, did you not know, MOTHER, that one thing that I actually like raisins in that? NICE of you to remember.

Thirdly, that BITCH who calls herself my best friend. I really can't consider her that. She's as destructive to me as Fucking Cas. She treats my books better than me, she says off-hand comments that HURT, she acts like shit to us- without realizing it.

We. Are. Not. Rich. And apparently she can't get that through her fucking head. A while ago I gave her a pop, not knowing if we were going to have more tomorrow, or any time soon, guess what she does? She doesn't drink it all, and then leaves it beside my bed to deal with when I fucking want to go to sleep and I can't fucking leave it there because I've spilled things on my fucking cords. - Then there was the time when my dad was making tv dinners, and she did not say anything, even through I made it known. Then she fucking complains, saying that she doesn't like it and then she doesn't eat it all. Guess what she does? She gets the fucking brownie on my bed, then she leaves the container thing in my room for me to fucking deal with.

Also, at the moment I struggle with self harm, and wanting to commit suicide. Do I hide this from her? HELL NO. Does she seem to care? HELL NO. - Like, she's studied my cuts, and she was just like "hmm. you scratched yourself again?" and then went back to my fucking book that she just happens to help herself to. - Don't say that it's because she doesn't know what it means, I've given her TH's explanation. It doesn't take a genius to understand that self harming isn't fucking healthy, nor is freaking wanting to die. After she made that comment, I told her to be happy that that was all I did. And that's true. When I made the cuts she saw I felt like even through I had failed on quitting, I had won something too, I had won that that was all that I did, even if I wanted to swallow enough pills to die.

Fourth thing I want to rant about, I just feel so lost. It's like I don't know what to do. I'm just stuck here, crying. I don't even know what I want to do with myself. I'm ashamed of myself. - It's funny, I try my hardest for people to be okay with themselves, to make sure that no one is sad, and yet I'm so sad that I don't want to live anymore, that I'm so ashamed of myself that sometimes I wonder if I can just keep living a lie.

Right before the last confession I've felt better, but now I'm not so sure. I still feel so empty, so dead on the inside, so in pain.