Rant.

At the moment, I'm annoyed at both myself, and a few other people. I'm sorry that I rant so much, but it honestly helps, since I'm too much of a damn coward to actually face the people I'm annoyed at . I don't want conflict and I don't want to be misunderstood, so it's best to forget after ranting.

Like, I'm annoyed at myself because there are people that I can't say no to. I don't know how to say no and then I do things and then sometimes I don't like what I've done and sometimes I don't care but there is always that part that is inside of myself that wants to care, that needs to care.

And then there are the times where I feel like things aren't what they really seem to be, that what I thought was feelings and such ended up not to be that, that I had a different reason to do something than the other person. And that just fucking frustrates me, because what I feel like the other person wants isn't what I want and I don't say no because this is what they want and I don't know how to say no to them...

And then there is my fucking identity. I don't claim to be anything lightly, it's through hard thinking that I realize that this might very well be who I am! It is not a passing fad, or idea. This. Is. ME. I'm tired of people just thinking that because I don't fight for my correct pronouns, or spend forever talking to them about it, that I'm not trans anymore. I still am, I just don't want the conflict that will end with the person just using whatever pronouns, usually female ones, anyways, and I don't want to talk about it to people who just don't get it. Sometimes it feels like even people who are suppose to understand, don't.

I'm tired of myself never getting into a fight for what is right for me or what I want, what I need, because I don't want it to be a fight, or it isn't worth it. I'm just tired of having to FIGHT for what in some ways should be a given, or at least a tried for.