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I feel like I'm lying and why I'm not strong enough to come out
Posted April 5th 2012 at 10:32 PM by George^^
Hello everybody.
I'm pretty much ready to cry. I feel like every fiber of my being is a lie. I'm not strong, I may seem like it, but I'm not. I'm not smart, I have to work for it. I'm not good with people, I have to force myself to say things. I'm not female, I just look like it. I'm not male, I just want to be, through.
I feel like I'm a lie. That stating that I'm female or male are both lies. I have the body of a female, but I feel that I'm male. Yet I can't say I'm male because I have those times when I feel like I'm gender queer.
My plans for coming out are along the lines of, either not, or coming out once I'm out of the house. Transgender teens are coming out younger in Canada, but it looks like I'm not one of them!
That's my problem. I never feel like I "fit" in with my cisgender peers or my transgender peers. All of them seem to know who they were and who they are. I know that maybe they don't. But most people say they've known for like, what, forever?- I've only realized everything this year.
I'm not strong enough to come out because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my parents won't love me anymore because I'm not the perfect daughter. Because I'm not who they want me to be. I'm queer. I'm FT-male-identified-personallity.
I don't want them to be disapointed in me. Disapointed in me not being their little baby girl. That's why this is so hard. There are female aspects of me, and there are male aspects of me. I want to be the male ones more than the female. I'm jealous of everything that goes on. I'm not strong.
I'm not strong. I'm a lie. Every minute I live a lie. I'm just... afraid of it all.
I'm pretty much ready to cry. I feel like every fiber of my being is a lie. I'm not strong, I may seem like it, but I'm not. I'm not smart, I have to work for it. I'm not good with people, I have to force myself to say things. I'm not female, I just look like it. I'm not male, I just want to be, through.
I feel like I'm a lie. That stating that I'm female or male are both lies. I have the body of a female, but I feel that I'm male. Yet I can't say I'm male because I have those times when I feel like I'm gender queer.
My plans for coming out are along the lines of, either not, or coming out once I'm out of the house. Transgender teens are coming out younger in Canada, but it looks like I'm not one of them!
That's my problem. I never feel like I "fit" in with my cisgender peers or my transgender peers. All of them seem to know who they were and who they are. I know that maybe they don't. But most people say they've known for like, what, forever?- I've only realized everything this year.
I'm not strong enough to come out because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that my parents won't love me anymore because I'm not the perfect daughter. Because I'm not who they want me to be. I'm queer. I'm FT-male-identified-personallity.
I don't want them to be disapointed in me. Disapointed in me not being their little baby girl. That's why this is so hard. There are female aspects of me, and there are male aspects of me. I want to be the male ones more than the female. I'm jealous of everything that goes on. I'm not strong.
I'm not strong. I'm a lie. Every minute I live a lie. I'm just... afraid of it all.
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