Suicide Survivor Story

If you're thinking of killing yourself, please read this - a suicide survivor's story.
Source: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education SAVE

COMPLETE
This message is for those of you who are thinking about killing yourselves.

Like you, I did not really want to kill myself. I just wanted the overwhelming pain to stop. It felt like I was having a 24 hour anxiety attack. I could not concentrate. I was obsessing on fearful thoughts and feelings. My adrenalin was so high it felt like my blood was boiling. I felt I had to do something impulsive to stop the pain. I was going through a nervous breakdown. I was feeling frantic, fearful, overwhelmed, and angry all at the same time. It felt like I was losing my mind. I was feeling guilty, ashamed and like a failure for having these thoughts and feelings.

Being desperate for help, I called Suicide Prevention and the crisis line so much they always had to tell me I had reached my call limit for the day. A counselor told me to go within myself to feel better. All I felt was empty inside and this made me feel more alone. Then I thought God was punishing me for something stupid I did in the past. Even though I do not believe in reincarnation, I prayed for this life and any past lives for forgiveness of any wrongdoing I did. (I just wanted to cover all my bases.) It did not work.

I found out later, God does not work that way. God does not punish people by giving them overwhelming experiences to teach them a lesson. God is there with us, and in us, when we go through hard times. God also forgives us before we ask. When we ask for forgiveness it is not for God, but for us, to reconnect with God who never loved us any less when we made mistakes. Sometimes we think we disappointed God and we feel unworthy of anything good in life because we think God holds a grudge against us. We lose our connection with God out of our own fear. This is the best time to talk to God because we know for a fact that God is listening. Sometimes you will get answers. Have you ever had a wonderful idea, but you did not think of it? That's our creator blessing us with wisdom.

At that time I was so mad at God for not answering me the way I wanted him to. I would say, "Come on God! Would you hurry up here! I've haven't got all day!!" Then I would yell and curse at God. "How dare you leave me unloved, unprotected and in pain!" There was no lightning bolt that hit me. Nothing bad happened to me either. The creator of the universe was able to take my rudeness and tantrums and love me anyway. God did answer me, and my problems did come to pass, but not the way I thought they would. God was much more creative than I was. Things turned out very well.

Good to know.

I had well meaning people try to help me through the suicidal thoughts and feelings. For anyone who is trying to help someone through this experience, please say you care for them, you love them, you are there for them, you are listening to them, and together you will find help.

I had some pretty inappropriate things said to me when I was suicidal. These remarks made me feel more alone, ignored and much worse. I am wondering if you heard any of these comments. "Just pull yourself up and out of it." "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." "Well, you should have done this instead of what you did." "Remember, there is always someone who has it worse than you do."

Have you ever seen someone being tortured to death? Could you imagine someone going on and saying these things to that person? Not only would the person not be able to hear you (because they have other things on their mind) but they wouldn't have the strength to flip them off. If you could pull yourself up and out of it you would have done so already. There are people in the world worse off than us, but that is not the issue. The issue is that you are feeling like hell right now and need help.

I tried to kill myself 7 times. I was accused of being selfish and not thinking of my loved ones. Getting back to that person being tortured or people who killed themselves in concentration camps, were they thinking, "Gee I wonder how my friends and family are doing right now?" Nobody was being selfish. They just wanted the pain to stop. I understand this. I remember someone telling me I was going to go to hell for all eternity if I killed myself. Does anyone really think God, the author of unconditional love, the creator of this universe, actually sends all those poor people to hell? God did not send me to hell when I killed myself for a few minutes during one of my suicide attempts. I did not go to hell. I went to a place of love, light, and knowledge.

At the same time, we both know God does not want you to kill yourself. God and other people in the world want you to give yourself some time to get better. I've noticed one of the main reasons some people get suicidal is because of what someone thinks about them. Whether a person is being bullied at school, lost their girl/boy friend, split up with their wife/husband, people at your job giving you a bad time, or no job or financial relief in sight, someone or a pet died and you do not have a strong support system in your life, if you are gay and feeling all alone and suicide feels like the only way out, remember things always change. That is the only thing in life we can count on. This too shall pass.

You need to protect yourself from other people's opinions right now. Don't let their thoughts become your reality. People always have their own ideas, but that does not make them right. I had no sense of myself growing up. Whatever anyone said to me I believed! I thought they were saying God's honest truth. I was just like a sponge, soaking up everyone's thoughts and opinions about me. I had no idea that I had a right to my own opinion about myself. It is your birthright. Once I learned this it was really easy to weed out the truth about myself and let go of other people's remarks.

I was hospitalized and the medication back then was not working. I lost my spouse (who had me served with divorce papers in the hospital on my birthday), my job, my apartment, my friends, and my mind. My mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer and I lost my father to colon cancer a few years earlier. I was getting worse and my body was shaking so badly I would choke on food while I was eating.

The psychiatrist (who was weirder than I'll ever be) said I had a strong suicidal drive. Who wouldn't have a strong suicidal drive after trying it 7 times? He decided I needed to be put in a straightjacket and sit at the nurses' station all day. I was transferred to a different hospital to get E.C.T. (electroconvulsive therapy). I remember entering the other hospital. The paramedic rolling me in on a gurney and me wearing (you guessed it) my little white straightjacket. The staff and patients were scared of me at first. One nurse looked right at me and said, "UH-OH." Once they realized I was not Hannibal Lector, they took me out of the straightjacket. Now able to move around, I went outside on the patio. I thought, "I can't believe I am going to have E.C.T."

Even though I lost everything including my mind, I had nothing left, and there was nothing left of me, I felt something in my gut. It was so tiny, yet so strong and grounding. I wondered what that was. I found out later it was my soul. The place where, God is inside us. Our soul is immortal, perfect, whole and complete. We all have one. Our soul never changes no matter what we do in life. God is inside us every step of the way.

The good news is that was 23 years ago. I made it and you will too. Please be kind and patient with yourself. If you knew someone feeling suicidal, what would you say to them? You would probably tell them the same thing I am telling you. KNOW that you are worth living and God loves us ALL. No matter what you heard, no matter what society says. God and people in the world love you too. If someone feels otherwise, that is their issue, not yours. If you can't think of anyone who loves you right now, know you just have not met them yet. Please be patient, kind and gentle with yourself during this tender time by not putting yourself down. Remember that you are a good person going through a horrible time, not a horrible person going through a good time. I used to put myself down and it just made the healing process harder and longer.

More good news is that there are a lot more medications that work more effectively now and good therapists than there were over 20 years ago. Now fewer people have to have E.C.T. like I did. If you are one of the few that has to have E.C.T. the doctors have improved on it as well. Just ask Carrie Fisher.

At first what helped me was the E.C.T. Next was the right medications and therapy. They have found out this combination does work the best. This does take a little time, but you are worth every minute of it. I also wanted to tell you, trust the process of therapy. It may take a few sessions for you to build up trust with the therapist, and you need to stay alive when in therapy so you can get rid of the pain.

There are support groups such as Divorce recovery, Grief support, Depression and Anxiety and NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). You can also call Suicide Prevention and the crisis line (as long as you don't call them 100 times a day like I did!)

Another thing that is really helpful is to write down your thoughts and feelings. This gets the emotion out on paper and your mind becomes clear.

A nurse told me instead of worrying all night, go to sleep, because when you are sleeping your subconscious can work things out. Plus, your body needs the extra rest from being drained out.

I also found comfort in going to a safe place to worship. I appreciate the small things in life much more now. Like when you're driving and all the lights turn green, putting on warm clothes that just came out of the dryer, when a checkout line opens up and you do not have to wait. I also love to see dogs in the back of cars and trucks just wagging their tails so fast, drinking clean water, staying somewhere safe and dry. All this is here for you to enjoy and you deserve it all and so much more. You are going to be so proud of yourself. You are going to be amazed what God has in store for you. I promise.

With Love from Me