Today is already messed up. I've eaten too much already and it's only 08:15 AM. Which means that I probably won't eat anything else all day. My plans are all messed up because it's a bank holiday so the swimming pool is shut. My boyfriend left his bus pass at mine so if we're going to meet up then I'll need to go to his by myself.

I want to just stay at home all day on my own now. I don't even want to leave the house.

I don't know what to do. If I stay, I doubt I'll...

My mum's gone away for a bit so I don't have to deal with any of her crap. My sisters have gone too. My dad is lovely and he'll pretty much leave me alone over the next few days, so I'm happy with that.

We sat down and watched Louis this evening. I swear we're both addicted to that show. It's nice that we have something in common. He lives in the same house as me and yet I rarely spend time with him.

The trip out this morning was alright. I mean, it could have been...

I feel useless. Empty again. I'm ready to go out, I look decent, now I'm just waiting.

I don't know what I'm going to say. But I'm scared that if I don't say much his family will think I'm rude. I just feel lost.

I think they're here.

Well, everyone's been happy this morning, which has helped cheer my mood up. And I have two easter eggs. I'm going out with my boyfriend and his family this morning, which I'm a little scared about. I mean, I've met them before, but I'm terrified I'm gonna mess up. This is the guy I want to spend my life with; I have to get on with his family. Then I'm gonna do some work and then go to the evening church service.

And then my mum will have gone away for a bit so I won't need to face...

Given up on my goals. Like I said, I suck with them. I've kind of tidied my room, but there's still a lot left to do. And I did one mind map, but I didn't do the history or my story.

There's so much stuff to do and I just can't find the energy to do it.

My mother is convinced that I am purposefully being unhealthy so that I don't learn anything during revision so that I fail my exams so that I can say to her that I tried hard but I must just be stupid.

...

I'm going to start a list of goals. Long term and short term. If I remember then I'll post the list as part of every blog entry.

I'll tick them off as I go, and add more, so I've always got something to work towards.

Right, here goes.

Short term goals

Tidy my room
Make mind maps for the whole of the Roaring Twenties
Make mind maps for the whole of Energy Calculations
Type up chapter one of The Moment of Truth
...

My boyfriend did come over yesterday and I felt happy, amazingly. I won't even start thinking about the 'do I deserve to be happy, though' because if I do I'll feel down today as well.

He brought over a game for me to borrow, the original Just Cause PC game, so I've got something to distract myself with. And he brought me some chocolate.

We had sex and then did some chemistry revision and then watched some of a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean.

We had...

I'm going to start using this more. Perhaps even everyday. Perhaps more than once a day. Just whenever I want to.

I like writing on here. It's different to anything I've tried before.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better, although not much. Still empty just not completely suicidal.

I'm sick of smiling for my mum, though. I just keep smiling and laughing and inside I'm just shriveling away into nothing.

My boyfriend said he would...

I'm browsing the forum aimlessly, trying to put off going to bed and turning off the light because that'll be when the emotions hit. I feel numb right now, and numb is how I'd like to stay.

Things seem to affect me so easily and I don't know why. Some stupid thing on a forum and I'm distraught. An invite out turns into a massive row. A shopping trip and everyone's in tears.

I'm useless. And I'm horrible. And I don't deserve to live.