And now you're gone again. And I feel alone. My sisters both have friends over and I can hear them from my room. It's only half nine but I just want to sleep. I'm so tired.

I've been having some weird dreams lately. I couldn't remember anything I dreamt for a while and now I can remember loads and it's rather odd.

I want to sleep. I want to sleep forever and not wake up, because waking up is the hard part.

I don't want school to start. I don't know how...

I'm going to join the review game on the DG forum. Then I'm going to have a shower and redress my arm. Then I'm going to finish my history homework. Then I'm going to clean out my guinea pigs. Then I'm going to do my IT work and then I'm going to go for a walk with Claire.

I'm going to get out of the house. I'm going to go for a walk and feel some fresh air.

And then I'm going to do some writing. Cut this endless list down a bit.

Perhaps I'll write that...

No one reads the shit I post. I don't blame them. I wouldn't.

I'm sick of this. I really am.

Thing is, I don't even feel sad. Not really. Not like depressed or anything.

I just feel empty. I just feel like there's no point doing anything any more.

I still do stuff. When people look at me. When people see me.

I'll work, I'll play, I'll smile.

But I rarely write any more. I don't play guitar. I don't cuddle my...

My arm aches and I wish that the holidays would last longer. I'm scared for my exams.

I don't want to go out today but my boyfriend expects me to. And so does my sister.

I want to curl up and go to sleep but I can't. I've been sleeping really rough recently.

I keep trying and everything keeps going wrong. I'm sick of it all.

He keeps telling me to stop. He keeps telling me that everything will be fine. We'll take it one day at a time and I'll never cut again.

Fuck you. I know I will. I know I'll crack again. And maybe I don't care if I do. Maybe I'm just sick of everything and I don't care that I'm scarring myself, that I'm hurting myself.

My arm aches so bad. The cuts are the worst they've ever been. I want...

I failed and I cut last night.

I tried so hard not to but I felt like I was trying to force myself out of my body and I just had to cut. And then I gave in and I did.

There was something so relieving, so satisfying, about dragging the razor across my wrist. Seeing the blood well up, so much blood, and then cascade down my arm, over my skin.

I haven't cleaned it yet. I probably should.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to tell my mum. He...

I'm going to get my work done tonight. And then I'm going to do the writing I promised some people I'd do. And then I'm going to make some mind maps. And then I'm going to read a book so that I can cut down the pile beside my bed. And I'm just going to keep going. On and on. It never stops. There's always something else to do and I just want to sleep.

I didn't get to go swimming and now I feel really pissed off. Even though I didn't want to. I just want to get out of the house. And now I'm on my own again and I feel like shit. I'm not doing anything constructive and I have a headache. I feel like shit.

I'm going swimming today. I don't really want to but I promised my boyfriend I would.

I have a headache.

I had a rough night. I didn't sleep well. Didn't help that I didn't want to turn out the light.

I just want to curl up and stop existing.

When I'm on my own I just lose myself.

Today was fine, after I finally managed to get myself out of the house, but now that I'm home again and sat on my own, I don't know what to do. I've read through all my e-mails, I've browsed the forum, I've joined in the game threads, I've offered some advice, I've played a couple of online games, I've sat on facebook, I've answered some formspring questions. I don't want to stop because I feel empty again, like I always do when I'm alone, but...