I've started looking at pictures of thin people. Searching for diet tips. It's not good. I know it's wrong. I know I'm already at risk of an eating disorder. I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food, ever since I was little.

But there's part of me, well, most of me, that just thinks shush. Stop thinking of the bad things. If you get thin you'll be prettier. If you get thin you'll feel better. If you get thin you won't feel so bad.

It's so tempting.
...

I'm mood swinging horribly.

I was mainly angry today.

I bust up my wrist wacking it off a wall. I think it's ok, but it ached like hell for a bit. I can move my fingers and the pain has calmed down so I think it's ok now.

I also beat up J.

I scare him.

I scare myself.

I want everything to stop.

I want to give up.

I want to die.

Well no, not really. My boyfriend has come up with a number of suggestions as to what's wrong with me.

He has suggested bipolar disorder, my mother, stress and brain damage.

At least he made me laugh. After my melt down outside the school gates.

You know when you just don't want to go to sleep?

I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want my exams to be any closer. And I'm sick of trying to be strong.

I want to stay in bed all day. I want to curl up and hide from the world. I want to disappear.

I was feeling ill this morning (I still am) and my boyfriend said he'd look after me. But he didn't. He said he felt fine, it was my turn to be looked after, blah blah blah. And then we argued all day...

I haven't posted here in a while.

But I'm gonna post again, because Pete said I should keep posting here if it helped me.

I've been having really random mood swings. Like, I'll be lovely and happy and then one tiny trigger, something minor goes wrong or someone says something and I take it the wrong way and my mood drops.

And then I get violent. I attacked J the other day. Amazingly, he still loves me. We've been together a year now. A whole year....

I don't know how I feel right now.
I mean, I felt better after talking to Pete.
But today I was completely hyper. Like, bouncing off the walls. I got a bit irritable, but I was generally happy.
And I feel... odd now. Like, happy, but not really happy. Not truly happy.
I feel like a yo-yo. I bounce up and down, it's crazy.
But who will take me seriously when I'm suicidal if they've seen me bouncing off the walls the previous day?
I wish that I felt good all...

I saw the counselor today. Finally. He's nice.
I cried in front of him though.
Told him some stuff. My hands were shaking really violently and when I opened my mouth nothing came out so I wrote it down.
It'll take a few days minimum to get a referral so I can see him regularly.
I don't know what more I'm gonna tell him. So far I've told him about self harm, but he seems to think that I'm just a lovely person with too much on her mind.
I'm not. I don't know what...

Perhaps I'll do something to my face. Cut or scratch it. It's so damn ugly.
Scar it for good so everyone can see how much I hate it.
I'm all talk. Perhaps I should actually do all this.
Cut myself as much as I want to so people can see how I feel.
Kill myself because I'm sick of this whole world.
I don't know.
I hate myself.

Stupid school health centre wasn't open.
Stupid day was shit.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I want to cut.
I can't.
Buut I want to.
I was happy earlier. After school, when my boyfriend walked me home and looked after me.
But he's gone now.
You know when you feel so empty and so worthless, you're not even sad. You don't feel sad or unhappy, you don't cry, you're not even angry. You're just numb.
That's me.
I'm trying to distract myself....