I talked to Pete today.

We just chatted.

Didn't help I was in a good mood. He probably wonders why I went to him in the first place.

My mood is dropping, but I think that's because I'm hungry. I've not eaten much today.

I want my tea, but I'm scared. Scared because I'll be fine if I eat a little, but if I eat loads, which I might because my dad's cooking my favourite meal, then I'll put weight on.

I'm staying away from advice here right now. I'll still blog, I guess.

It's just so triggering. It makes me want to cut and starve and kill myself.

But I like to help people, so I come on anyway.

I've been happier lately, but it's weird. Thinspo is keeping me happy. Eating barely anything is keeping me happy. I'm desperately trying to lose weight so I'm happier.

But what if I fail? What if I gain?

First session with Pete...

I hate the debate forums on here. All of my arguments get slashed to peices. Is there something wrong with my way of thinking? Why am I the only person who has my point of view?

I binged this morning.
I'm so stupid.
No more snacks today. Half my lunch, which hopefully will just be soup anyway, and then maybe see if I can get away with three quarters of whatever my mum serves for dinner, no second helpings and no pudding.
Sounds doable.
Ugh. I hate my body.

I'm tired. I think I'll get some food and go to bed.
I need a hug from someone.
I'm lonely.
But I feel weird. I've been irritable, hyper and sometimes really down all week. It's odd and annoying.

Today hasn't been too bad. I've cheered up a bit.
It feels like I'm on an up. Well, that's good. But I hope I don't crash until my exams have finished.
I'm getting a little addicted to the site babydow, but it doesn't take up too much time in the day, so that's good.
I'm gonna have a relaxing evening tonight. I'm so tired.

I need to finish that history question. I have fifteen minutes. I can't do it in form because I have assembly.

I feel ill. And tired. And I just want to sleep. But I can't. Because I have to keep going.

I always have to keep going and it's not fair.

I just want to scream. Really, really loudly.

I feel ill, I have a history practice question due in for tomorrow that I haven't done and my first exam is on Monday. I have to help make breakfast for the younger kids at church on Sunday.

I have a horrible urge to break a bone. Maybe my wrist. Or get run over. I could easily get run over on the way to school. No one would know it was on purpose.

I want to feel safe. I want to be somewhere where I don't...

I've not been forgotten. Pete came to find me today. I have an appointment on Tuesday. I was wondering if I should write something down before going in. J wants me to tell him about being violent.

I don't want to. I don't know him well enough. But I don't want to let J down, seeing as it was him who was getting hurt.

I don't know what to do.

My arm really aches. But every time I feel it aching it triggers me. I want to hit it against something, make it hurt more. Hell, I want to break it. Break it up into tiny little pieces. I want to hurt because I hurt other people.

J asked me to try not to hurt him again. But I need to hurt someone. I only hurt him because he stops me from hurting myself.

So I guess it's back to hurting myself.