I hate being ugly.
I hate being fat.
I hate being horrible.
I hate being me.

Binged today. And yesterday. Because I felt so down.
I don't even know what to do. I think I'm fine and then BAM out of the blue I'm sobbing and shouting and hurting.
I have a bruise on my arm where I whacked it off the wall, but I haven't cut. I ate instead. And then I exercise like crazy today and I've burnt off like, one quarter of what I ate.
I feel better, but the bad mood feels like it's lurking, waiting for me to give in.
I don't know what to do with myself.

My room is cleaner, although I'm getting a bit obsessed about it. xD
But I will have it completely tidied. It hasn't been properly tidied for a couple of years.

I've been keeping my food intake low. I don't know what calorie intake is in the range for eating disorders and I can't ask on here, I'm scared I'll get told it's not allowed, because of not posting calorie numbers.

I think I've lost weight. I don't know. I think I have.

I hope I have....

I don't want to be pregnant but I'm scared of getting plan b by myself.
I'm seriously terrified.
I can't be, can I?
It's low risk.
But there's still a chance.
Am I gonna be a mum?
I should get plan b.
But I'm scared.
Am I more scared of being pregnant?
No, I'm more scared of walking into a shop and talking to someone.

Today was nice. Went out with my family. Not E, though, thank goodness. She does my head in.

Tomorrow looks like it's gonna be pretty shit though. Was gonna spend the day with J, but now his mum, brother and brother's friend are gonna be tagging along. Which means I'll have to eat in front of them. Which is not going to be fun. And they're gonna be in the cinema with us. Looks like it's not going to be the day of just us that we planned.

Who gives a shit, though. Who...

Back on track to lose weight.

Having that goal makes me feel happy.

Won't get to see a counsellor for ages, perhaps not even ever again.

There's nothing wrong with me. I feel empty, not depressed. I'm angry, not sad. I cut and I don't even feel really depressed. I just feel empty.

I wrote the piece. I came up with the whole concept and wrote the entire piece. Then you drew it to the specifications, and didn't even get it right. And yet when you post both the written piece and the picture together, the comments are pretty much on the drawing, with a few after thought comments about the writing. 'Cool concept.' Um. It's a bit more than just a concept. It's a piece of creative writing that I spent time on. Screw you with your fancy computer art work and your video editing skills....

I don't know how I feel at the moment.

I've been ill.

So I feel ill.

Nothing else. Not really.

I want to go to the doctors and get their opinion. I want to know if there's something wrong with me.
If there isn't. Well, then I don't know what the hell I can do. Perhaps that would be reassuring because then I'd know I'd just grow out of it. Otherwise I'll have to keep struggling on on my own.
If there is, which there won't be, then perhaps I can get some help.
I feel really ill right now. I'm going to bed.

I've lost weight. But I've lost it quicker than my dad saif it was possible. But I don't care. I feel lighter.

I'm still over weight, but I'm getting there. I am. I will be happier.