If I manage to get to school I'll have to spend the day pretending I'm fine. I can't let him know I'm still struggling, I have to be nice, I have to be considerate and I have to pretend things are getting better.

If I can make it till Tuesday then I can talk to Pete. Not that I'll know what to say.

I just want it all to stop. I want to over dose. But I'm scared. Not of dying. But of dying slowly. And then there's part of me that just wants to get ill and injured. A cry for help. But in my head I don't want people to know it was on purpose. Fake an accident or something. Then I can get off school and not have to worry about anything. And if I die then it'll be fine.

I'm collecting painkillers again. I don't know whether I'll take them. I'm scared but I want this to be over. But...

I feel so fat.

I honestly don't know what to do. I've barely eaten all day, I've eaten the bear minimum today and I feel so faint and dizzy but I still feel huge. And whenever I look at myself I can just see this huge stomach sticking out. I hate it.

I couldn't even bring myself to eat a bit of carrot.

And soon I'm going to have to go down and face dinner. I don't know how I'm going to cope.

I want to cut so badly but I know I shouldn't....

I don't know what to do.

I want to purge so badly.

I need this food gone.

I can't believe I ate it.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't purge. I've tried and I can't.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do right now. After that argument last night. I was this close to killing myself. And every time he said those words I died a little inside. I don't want him to leave me. I want the certainty we had before. I hope I get that back.

But do I still carry on? Can I do it on my own?

Got on leave.

Finished my English homework.

Feel a little bit more in control.

I'm going to kick this shit. I'm going to fix stuff.

First I'm going to relax.

Then I'm going to start working through the ED recovery book I got from the library.

I'm going to get better BEFORE I get worse.

I'm going to fix all of this.

Because it nearly tore my relationship apart today.

I'm getting that urge to overdose. To just take stuff and not care about the consequences. I wish I had something for sleep. I have cocodamol. I don't think I want to die. But I want all this to stop. How many do I take? I only have two in my room. That's the required dosage, not an overdose. Paracetemol? Why doesn't any one in my family take anything worth overdosing on? I want this to stop. But I don't think I want to die. Not today. I did yesterday. I'm not so sure now. I don't know what to do....

Ugh.

What do I do?

I'm scared.

But I don't want to stop doing this. I want to starve.

I don't know why.

But I want to stop.

It hurts when I try to stop.

But I can't get help until I'm under weight.

Keep going, Hester. Go so far they can't help you any more. Keep going.

I'm in the middle of a binge. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I want to be happy, but when I'm eating normally I'm not happy. I'm happy when I'm binging because I just forget about everything except the food, but I feel insanely guilty afterwards. I feel happy when I'm starving because I feel strong. But I can't keep that up. I always fail. I don't know how to be happy without being at these extremes.

And I've stopped eating right now, and I haven't eaten too much but I...

I definitely think I have an eating disorder.

That's a scary thought. And hard to admit.

I've kept saying 'I'm falling into one'. But at some point you have to hit the bottom.

I think the fact that I can't stop now is scary. Before, I'd go through periods of being fine, or I'd even spend only half the day having disordered thoughts and behaviours.

But the last few days have made me think more about it.

The fact that I had...