I was gonna write a blog entry, but I don't know what to say.

Don't know what to feel.

Don't know how to cope.

I'm restricting again. It really messes up my mind. I honestly can't think straight.

So why am I doing this?

Not to get skinny. Not really. I don't care, I'll always look awful.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

My hands are so cold.

I want to give up on my school work...

I want to die. Let me die. Please. I can't take this. I can't talk to anyone. I can't deal with this. Why am I not dead? Please... I can't cope. Gonna cut tonight. Should stop myself. But who cares? Why does is matter anymore? I'm going to lie to the counselor anyway. Don't want to see him anymore. Don't want to see anyone. Sick of all this. So sick of this. Fed up of pretending when really I'm breaking apart inside. Go away. Go away, life. I'm sick of you. You hurt too much.

I'm so cold.
I haven't got any work done.
The numbers in front of me are telling me I haven't eaten enough.
But once they're in my head I've eaten too much.

My friend told me that she had noticed. That she'd seen the drastic weight loss and that she was worried. She said that when we did the cake stall and she was telling me to eat a cake it was because I was so dizzy and she was worried.

I don't know what to think about that. I mean, part of me...

Threw up for the first time after eating over new year. Only a tiny bit but now I know I can.

Shit. How the hell did things get this bad.

Right now I'm fighting the urge to go throw up. I ate ages ago, it's not even about getting food out. It's about punishing myself. Because I hate myself.

I have no idea how this happened. I feel worthless.

Fat, stupid, useless. Not working. Not doing anything worth doing. Stupid girl. You don't deserve to live. Seriously, you don't. You're so fat. And ugly. And unlovable.

Why am I doing this? I've barely eaten. I feel dizzy. Why can't I stop exercising?

Might get an appointment to see a dietician. That's what my counselor said. I'm scared. I have more weight to lose. I'm not thin enough for them to tell me what to eat.

Freezing cold. I ate this morning. Exercised obsessively afterwards but I still ate.

Is that an achievement? I think it is.

I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I don't think I'm going to be able to ask for the help I need. I'm scared.

There's a voice in my head telling me to lose weight. Just x more pounds. Just until you reach this weight. Just until you're underweight. Just until your BMI is this. Just until you die.

I wanted to get better but I can't do it on my own. I keep thinking I don't have a problem, like I'm in denial, but then I realise, like today, that this isn't normal and I'm out of control. But then the fact that I know I have a problem means that I can't have a problem because people with eating...

Coming off leave has to be the best thing I've done this month.

Ok, so taking time off should have helped but actually it made things worse. I think I'm built to help people. Helping people really helps me. Haha.

But yeah, now I've been back on HelpLink I feel so much happier. I tried to give myself proper time off and it didn't work, but now I'm back I'm happier.

I love this site. <3

I feel lost without him.

And definitely an almost anorexic.

Those are my behaviours right now anyway. And my thoughts.

I'm just not at the right weight to be counted as one yet.

But I'm getting there.

And I don't even care.