Ugh.
So tired.
And my head is killing.
J is coming over soon.
At least I hope he is.
He should already be here.
Where is he?

My mum wants to talk to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to say. But I want help. I really want help.

But I've eaten something. I've been good today. I'd eaten too little so I decided to raise my calorie goal and eat a snack. So perhaps I can stop falling into an ED by myself? I hope so, because it had been getting worse.

I feel sick and shaky.

The pills are still there. Most of them, anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Exercise until I collapse.

I should eat more.

But I don't want to.

I'm hungry. But I'm fighting it. Why am I fighting it?

Why does it feel like life is my enemy, like I'm my enemy?

Why does it feel like it's not worth it?

Why do I just want it to be over?...

I've taken four. I have ten left. What now? Do I have the guts?

I want to take them. I want to die. Christ, why won't these feelings stop? Why is it that as soon as I'm on my own I'm a wreck. I want to cut. But I promised him I wouldn't. I promised him I wouldn't overdose either. Who cares about freaking promises. Make this stop. Please, someone make this stop.

I'm talking to a friend over msn, who says they're feeling depressed because of their ex. I'm finding it really hard to help, because although I love them, and I understand they feel bad, it hurts that they don't know how I've been feeling. It hurts that people don't know, and if they see me crying or angry or something, they think I'm weird or over reacting to something or just attention seeking. I hate keeping everything hidden.

I didn't overdose. But I still have the pills. And I still want to.

I'm talking on the childline chat thing and I've put the pills away for now.

How did I get this low?

What if I just overdosed now? I have some codeine. I could easily take it. Probably throw it up again, but hey, I deserve that.

Stupid woman. Cancelling my babysitting job without telling me, so I go all the way out there, it's a long way, to find no one in the house. We ring her friend, who rings the kids' stepmum, who tells us they're with the grandparents and the woman doesn't need me anyway.

Would have been nice to fucking tell me.

So thanks for that. Stupid woman.