I don't want your help. I don't want to write a food diary for you. I don't want to stop counting calories. I don't want to stop losing weight.

But I want to feel happier. And you're the only person willing to help.

Perhaps I should go back to the counselor. Perhaps I should get him on my side as well. Because I know that even if I don't have an eating disorder, I have an unhealthy obsession with food. Perhaps I should keep a mood/food diary and show it to him. Perhaps...

I really want to meet up with some TH people. But I don't think any of you guys live near me.

Any Newcastle THers?

I'm so confused about myself right now. Perhaps I'll just stop thinking. Perhaps I'll forget about it all and if I end up killing myself or cutting or starving then I'll have to start thinking again. How can things keep swinging from good to bad and back to good again? Is it just hormones? I swear to God I hope this is just hormones.

I can't tell what I'm fighting any more.

I don't want to fight any more.

Maybe I'll stop fighting.

I should spend every day with my boyfriend. I eat pretty normally around him, he makes it easier because he loves how I look and always makes me feel good about myself.

But I know I'll be restricting tomorrow. I feel guilty about today and I can feel myself losing control. I don't want to gain. Even though I know I won't I'm still terrified.

I tried to talk to my mum again. She doesn't even let me start. I want to tell her that I counted out the pills, that I tried...

I thought I'd gained weight over my holiday, but actually I've lost it. I don't understand, because I ate so much. I mean, I didn't hit the guide line, but I ate seriously loads more than I normally do, and I still lost a decent amount. I don't understand. Does that mean to maintain I'll have to eat even more? Because I was struggling enough as it was to eat that amount. I mean, when I binge I can go forever, but when I'm eating normally, well I can't really eat normally. I always restrict in some...

I've submitted my helplink application. Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed..

Swam in the sea today. It gave me earache. u_u

Going out for a meal now. I am in such a panic. What will I eat? I hate eating out.

Ugh. I'm lonely. I want to go home. I still have two weeks to survive.

I want to eat a biscuit. Stop guilting me into not eating it. I'm trying to get away from these feelings and you're not helping.

I think I hate travelling by car. And I hate getting food at service stations. And I hate the fact that J is still asleep.

But I now have Live Help access! Cue little happy party dance. I'm considering applying to switch from buddy to Helplink mentor when I get back from my holiday but I don't know if I can face filling in the application.